


The Irrefutable Constant of Our Lives

by Madara_Nycteris, stellahibernis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up and Make Up, Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2019, Embedded Images, Explicit Sexual Content, Healing, Illustrated, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Pining, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-06 01:13:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19052260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madara_Nycteris/pseuds/Madara_Nycteris, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis/pseuds/stellahibernis
Summary: After everything, Steve and Bucky’s lives are finally normal and happy. They share a home in Wakanda, at the farm where Bucky found peace years ago. Steve's work with the Avengers ofteen takes him to New York, but he always comes back, and they have even managed to get engaged.Only Bucky is still carrying the fallout resulting from being vanished by Thanos, and as the months have passed, his fear of being lost again has only grown worse, until a nightmare breaks the dam and he can’t take it anymore. He sets off with the intention to finally deal with it, regretting he has to leave the life that has brought him so much happiness behind.Steve comes home to an empty house and Bucky's engagement ring dropped on the floor, and can’t help but draw the conclusion he must have done something to drive Bucky away. Over the coming days he decides there’s no changing the past, but perhaps he can at least change his life to avoid repeating his mistakes.Both of them believe there’s no going back to their shared life, but despite that the hope of it remains difficult to banish.





	The Irrefutable Constant of Our Lives

**Author's Note:**

> For Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2019; art by Madara_Nycteris and fic by stellahibernis.
> 
> Notes by stellahibernis: When I claimed the art I knew from the start the shape of the story I wanted to tell, and happily Madara_Nycteris liked it as well. The writing of it was refreshingly easy, and the whole collaboration was a great experience for me. Thanks to Madara_Nycteris for beautiful art and collaboration, to El for beta as usual, and to the Cap RBB organizers for making this all happen!

Bucky’s walking down the street, the day gloriously warm and thus perfect for a holiday. The friendly sounds of the happy people surround him, and he smiles at the flags waving at every corner. Steve is walking next to him, going through a healthier stretch for a change, although Bucky does worry about the heat affecting him. Steve’s hair is golden under the afternoon sun, the color somehow repeating on the walls and the streets, making the neighborhood look cozier than it ever did. Bucky looks back to his side, wanting to remark on the peculiar quality of light, except Steve is gone, the voices are distorting, and he’s—

—walking among tall and dark trees, a dusting of snow under his feet, his gun at the ready in case there’s an ambush. Steve is on his right, a bit to the front, the rest of their team fanned out behind them. It’s an old hat by now to move in the formation. Bucky hears the distant sounds of artillery to their side, not a direct threat but it might mask the sounds of someone trying to sneak up to them. Bucky takes a sweeping look of the terrain, eyes landing on Steve again, as they always have and always will, but perhaps even more often now that he’s wearing the bright colors, the shiny shield on his arm. It’s what Bucky doesn’t hear that makes him suddenly anxious, and glancing back he sees there’s no one, just the trees. He wants to tell Steve their team is gone, except Steve has also disappeared into the night that has suddenly fallen, and he’s—

—hanging from the bitterly cold metal railing that’s flimsy and shaking under his hands. The snow and wind hit his face, bring tears to his eyes. He knows Steve is there, barely out of reach, the blues and reds still bright, right there reaching a hand to him until he’s gone and Bucky’s falling, disappearing into the flurry of snow, the sound of the train fading in the wind, and he’s—

—immobile in the chair, held by more than just restraints, held by the sense of duty instilled in him. There are the gray stone walls, the men in military non-colors, his handler with the red book. When the pain comes he remembers there’s something missing, he sees flashes of blue and red, of sunshine gold, until they’re washed away, replaced with the words that force away everything else but compliance. He’s disappearing, he’s not—

—there anymore, the world around him is crumbling, he’s standing but the ground is gone from under his feet. Only it’s not the world he knows that’s disappearing, it’s him, being ripped apart and pulled through to a non-world, to be trapped and extinguished, and he’s—

—awake.

Bucky stumbles out of the bed, out of the house too, and he ends up on all fours by the lake, heaving the cool night air into his lungs, hands digging into the mud at the edge of the water, the difference of sensation between his left and right minute but distinct, the vibranium close when it comes to mimicking nervous feedback from skin but not perfect. There are cicadas singing in the long grass even now, and calls from night birds echo from the forest. It’s all real, the world is real and he’s in it, he hasn’t disappeared.

Or he did, but he’s back now. He has been back for a year already. The root of his problem is being unable to trust that it will last, and as time passes it just keeps getting worse.

It takes him more than half an hour to feel settled enough in his skin that he can pull away from the mud and wash his hands, no longer needing the immediate sensory feedback. He’s shivering with cold by then, wearing only a tank and shorts, the night at its coldest just before the sunrise, the water leaching away his body heat.

It’s no use to try and go back to bed, he admits to himself while he’s mechanically cleaning, drying, and dressing himself. The morning is just around the corner, there’s the familiar list of chores waiting for him, a routine that he’s been leaning on for several years now, ever since he was woken from stasis by Shuri, and suddenly he knows he just can’t. Can’t go on the way he has until now, can’t keep drowning in the past he keeps trying to shove behind the doors of his mind from where it always bursts out stronger and more immense than ever. He can no longer make himself believe it will get better if he just tries to live his life, if he just pretends everything is okay. It won’t help him to just pass through the days the way he has so far. He’ll need to make a change, or on one of these days he’ll crack, and that’s something he can’t afford.

It’s not like it’s a new idea that he should actively do something about his feelings of being lost. Ever since they were all returned from wherever it was they vanished to, it seems everyone he knows, at least those who went through the same thing as he did, has been suggesting his chosen way of dealing by deliberately not thinking of the past is not good for him. Sam has said so. T’Challa has said so. Shuri keeps regularly sending him suggestions and resources, and he should probably listen to her, because she did find help for herself and has come through better than anyone else Bucky knows.

It’s not any of her suggestions that he follows, though. Instead, he suddenly remembers how M’Baku a couple of months ago very gruffly but sincerely told him they have a retreat for those needing help in the Jabari land, and that Bucky would be welcome to come and stay there at any time. Bucky doesn’t actually know why the invitation was made; even with Wakanda opening to the world the Jabari tribe is still mostly isolated and distrustful toward the outsiders welcomed into the country. The reason doesn’t matter, though, the offer was made and Bucky decides to take it.

Packing takes only a few moments; with the decision made taking action is easy. He makes sure to bring enough warm clothes for the mountains, and selects some lightweight food for the trip. He tidies up the house, the yard, the goat enclosure, and all the the storage spaces, so that whoever will end up taking over for him won’t have too hard a time with it. When he’s dressed he records a short voice message to Okusana, one of the elders of the village nearest to his farm. Bucky is a part of their community, and he knows she’ll make sure the goats will be taken care of. He then takes off the Kimoyo beads and places them on the bookshelf, on top of the small pile of notebooks he filled before he was found in Bucharest and that he got back recently.

He’s almost ready to go, but he can’t without acknowledging the thing he’s determinedly been avoiding since he realized he’d have to leave. He takes a last look around the house, and rather than focusing on the things that are his, he looks at those that are evidence of Steve’s time spent there. The history books, travelogues, and biographies Bucky doesn’t really care that much about, the work boots by the door, the sketchbook and pencils on the table where Steve left them and Bucky hasn’t moved away, even when he keeps regularly leafing through the book. For all that Steve spends a lot of time away, this is still their home, and nothing is more explicit sign of it than the ring on Bucky’s finger, on his right hand because he wants to feel it against his skin.

He looks at the ring, twists it in his finger, the most concrete proof of his happiness, and recalls the promise made soon after he was returned back to life. It’s a promise he meant to keep, and it breaks his heart but he now believes it must be broken. He’s leaving again, just as he has done so many times before, whether it was voluntary or not, and it’s not fair. Not fair to make Steve go through it time and time again.

Bucky pulls the ring off, meaning to put it on the table by the sketchbook, but it slips from his fingers, rolling and stopping in the middle of the floor, as if accusingly staring at him from there. After a beat Bucky’s moving, stepping over it and through the door into the morning. He knows that if he picked the ring up he’d take it with him, and it would be just another mess waiting to happen. At least this way he can focus on the bond having already been severed, this way he can make sure this is the last time Steve will have to experience him leaving.

 

* * *

 

Steve is once again grateful that it’s much easier to get to Wakanda these days. The country is still not really open for tourists, but there is regular traffic to and fro which gives someone like him who has a permanent access across the border more options. This time he got lucky; he first caught a plane to an airfield near the border and then a ride on a supply craft which will pass right by their farm. He feels a bit guilty of being glad of happening on a route that won’t take him through the capital, but he knows he’d get waylaid there for at least a few hours, and right now he just wants to see Bucky. He can go and greet T’Challa and the rest of their friends later. Probably after he’s had a couple of full nights of sleep at least; he’s feeling the fatigue because he took off right after a joint-training session with the U.S. coast guard, he hasn’t even changed out of the uniform.

It was an unexpected opportunity that allowed him to come back home for a while, so sudden he’d decided to not even tell Bucky, but to surprise him. The additional downtime is welcome, it’s been peaceful recently, but it doesn’t mean it’s been easy. He’s an Avenger again due to the Sokovia Accords having been rewritten after they managed to bring everyone back from wherever Thanos sent them, and it allowed everyone who wanted to be reinstated to become part of the team again.

It’s hard work, because there’s still trust that needs to be built, the team is larger which means just the daily routines are more complicated, not to mention many of them have had to deal with being vanished and then brought back again, and the rest of them have had to deal with the loss and long despair. They are all still dealing with it. Steve doesn’t know exactly what the others experienced while they were gone, no one seems to want to talk of it and he’d never press anyone, but it’s obvious the effects linger. Sam once told him that if one were to tally what happened it would be a logical argument to say those left behind went through worse times, but also that it’s not that simple. Steve believes him.

Despite everything, Steve is happy with his life. He feels like his work has a purpose now unlike right after the Sokovia Accords were signed, and it makes even tough times worth it. His job takes him away from home a lot, and it’s one of the hard things he has to deal with, but it’s manageable. And when he does get back home, everything is more wonderful than he ever dared to believe possible.

Before he got Bucky back after losing him to Thanos, Steve never could make himself believe they’d be able to make a life together, no matter how much they loved each other. They did so from the young age, but in the world they knew then it would have been hard to realize it, too hard, and they’d ended up deciding to not try and hide it but just never act on their feelings. Truthfully it was mostly Bucky’s decision, and Steve knows Bucky’s main motivation was to keep him safe. He sometimes thinks he might have risked it all to be with Bucky, but he also knows he would have worried over ruining Bucky’s reputation, and so respecting the choice had been painful but also a relief, not that he’d have ever admitted the latter feeling.  He had tried to move on, and during the war he’d almost had a glimmer of hope it all might work out, but those tentative hopes were ruined on that day on the train and ultimately went down with the plane. Later, when he knew Bucky was alive after all, there were so many obstacles that he couldn’t make himself hope even though their love no longer was illegal. The hope didn’t really spark even when he visited Wakanda after Bucky was unfrozen and healed, and they tentatively started to explore the possibilities in their relationship.

He probably hadn’t quite believed in the possibility even when he got Bucky back, but it’s not like he’s consistently thought that if something is impossible it’s a reason not to try, and so he had asked Bucky to marry him soon after they got back home. Bucky had said yes, and since then they’ve spent a very happy year engaged, even though they’ve been apart for much of it. Steve has his job, and Bucky has stayed in Wakanda. He was declared not responsible for his actions while with Hydra, but there is still more distrust toward him than most of the others, and Steve knows Bucky isn’t exactly keen on getting back on the field, so it’s logical for him to stay at the farm he has made his home.

Due to their past, it means a lot to them that they can be open about their relationship. They haven’t tried to hide it at all, and since Steve has been openly wearing his ring and telling of Bucky if asked, anyone who’s even a little bit interested in such things does know by now. Unsurprisingly there are those who consider their engagement a some sort of betrayal, but Steve doesn’t care, those are not people whose opinions he values in any case. There are also plenty of those who have been delighted and supportive, reaching out to them and telling how they felt encouraged. Those are the stories Steve holds to his heart.

Now that he’s on the way home to Bucky again, Steve finally allows himself to really consider what he’s been thinking of recently, that time is probably ripe for the two of them to take the next step in their relationship. They haven’t yet set a date for their wedding; mostly because at first even being engaged had been overwhelming, but Steve decides he’ll take up the discussion once he’s settled in.

When he’s walking up the last part of the journey and finally sees his home, he knows at the first glance that something is wrong at the farm. When his brain catches up with him he doesn’t immediately know what exactly is causing the certainty, because everything is peaceful. Everything is in place, the goats are in their enclosure munching on their food, and in fact, there’s nothing obviously wrong. And yet, it worries Steve, because he knows at this time of the day there usually is some sign of whatever Bucky is currently working on, something that’s out of place. Everything being neat suggests Bucky isn’t around.

Steve quickens his pace toward their house, all the while telling himself it’s actually no reason to be alarmed if Bucky isn’t around. He might be helping at the village, he might be visiting the capital, there are endless possibilities. And yet, he can’t help but worry, because it was only a day ago that he talked to Bucky who’d said he’d start repairing all the fences at the farm. It suggests something has happened to make Bucky change his mind, something personal because everything else is as it should be.

“Bucky?” Steve calls out as he enters the house, even when he immediately knows Bucky’s not there. Inside it’s cool and quiet, everything neat as pin, more than Bucky usually bothers, which is yet another worrying sign.

Steve takes a quick stock on the details. Their house is not very large, and has an open plan, so he can see most of it from the door. He automatically registers the details; how Bucky’s sandals are there but his sturdy boots are gone, that the brightly patterned blanket that Bucky likes is also missing from the back of the couch. Steve’s own sketchbook is still on the table, just as he left it. He feels cold all over when he spots a set of Kimoyo beads on the bookshelf, because it’s an obvious sign that this is not one of Bucky’s regular trips, not if he has left those behind. On the other hand, he clearly hasn’t meant to try and disappear, because if he did, he would have left the prosthetic behind as well. It has built-in diagnostics system that Shuri can access at any time, so she would know where he is even without the beads.

It seems Bucky doesn’t want to fully go away, but also that he doesn’t want to talk, which is only a partial relief. Even that bit of ease falls away when Steve spots the glimmer of gold in the middle of the floor where the late afternoon sun falls, as if to highlight the ring sitting there.

For a moment he just stands and stares, because it doesn’t make sense to him. He can’t figure out what it means that Bucky left his ring behind, because he has never considered a scenario that would fit this moment, and so his brain is laboring, needing to reset in a way that reminds him of first standing in the middle of the Times Square in 2012, not caring that those chasing him were converging around him, because everything had changed and he didn’t know the rules of the world anymore.

He lets the bag drop from his fingers that have suddenly gone lax, and crosses the distance to the ring, kneeling to make sure it really is Bucky’s even though he already knows. A closer look confirms it’s the perfect replica of his own. This is his worst nightmare; one he didn’t even know he should have, because it felt so impossible. He never even considered the possibility of them getting pulled apart because one of them just left. By the world yes, but not by their own choice. And yet, here he is, and Bucky is gone.

Steve checks out then. He can vaguely tell that time passes, the light lessens and goes out, he’s hungry and thirsty, his knees are stiff from crouching. All of those things register but not as important or pressing, they’re the background noise while he’s staring at the immensity of the change in front of him. Something went wrong, or more precisely, he must have done something wrong. It’s the only reason he can see for Bucky deciding to leave like this, without explanation or even a message of any kind. The knowledge aches inside him, eats at him like acid, and the sharpest pain comes from knowing there’s nothing he can do. That he has no easy way of contacting Bucky is a clear message he shouldn’t even try, that he doesn’t have the right anymore. He had his change, and he went wrong with the most important part of his life. Once more.

He comes to when something collides against his thigh, and he sees it’s one of the goats. It’s the one Bucky named Grant, a fact which in Steve’s opinion has only one upside, namely that its name is not Steve. It’s one of the smarter ones, albeit more irritating as well, because it seems to be able to get out of the enclosure no matter what they do with the fences. Grant stares at him while Steve remains crouching in front of Bucky’s ring, morning sun illuminating the windows. He missed a whole night.

Part of him wants to disappear again, wants to get away from the knowledge of how his life has suddenly changed, but there’s no use, and it would be cowardly. Unhealthy too. Steve takes the ring, grasping it tight in his fist as he gets up to his feet. It takes him a long while to decide what to do with it. First he thinks of hanging it on the chain of his tags, but it feels wrong, it’s not right to hang on to it as a token when Bucky has decided he wants to break off their engagement. It also means it would be wrong to keep wearing his own ring out of some stupid loyalty. It makes sense to keep wearing a ring of your beloved who passed away, but one who left by choice? That doesn’t feel right to Steve.

In the end he places Bucky’s ring on the bookshelf, next to a framed photo of the two of them taken right after their engagement, and after hesitating Steve slips his own ring off and places it next to Bucky’s. His whole hand feels wrong, light, even though the ring itself weights barely anything. It’s the weight of meaning that’s now gone.

Steve turns abruptly, not wanting to even look at the rings on the shelf, and sees Grant again looking up to him. He starts by leading the goat outside, grateful that it decides to walk back into the enclosure without any fuss. When there, Steve sees the space needs cleaning, and it’s a relief, because it’s something normal, something for him to do that would have to be done regardless of Bucky’s decision.

He starts by taking care of his own needs first; washing up, changing into his comfortable work clothes, and having a drink and a bite to eat. It doesn’t exactly make him feel better, nothing could, but the physical discomfort is gone at least, and he’s not risking passing out while doing the chores.

Outside he takes food to the goats, cleans the enclosure, lets them out to the wider pasture to stretch their legs, and when all the regular chores are done he starts looking for more work. A circle around the farm shows it’s in a pristine condition, something Steve knew to expect from Bucky, but it leaves him with almost nothing to do. It’s then that he remembers Bucky meant to check the fences, and that keeps him occupied for the rest of the day, with only a short break for lunch.

When the sun is finally setting he has made good progress, and the goats are happy to be herded back into their smaller enclosure for the night. He hasn’t seen anyone since he arrived, no one has even called, and he’s grateful for it, because he knows he wouldn’t know how to deal with talking about this. He suspects Shuri, who must know that Bucky has left and likewise must know Steve is back, asked their neighbors to leave him in peace for now.

He debates on keeping to himself at least until morning, but realizes immediately he wouldn’t be able to. He’s not going to ask to talk to Bucky, not when he clearly doesn’t want it, but Steve needs to know he’s alright. That at least he can let himself ask about. Having come to a decision he shoots a message to Shuri, mentioning the ring left behind, because he figures it’s best to get all the details out at once. The message he gets back is short and to a point. _There are no signs of distress, I haven’t talked to him either._

Steve puts his phone away then, mechanically eats his dinner, and goes to bed that he has never yet slept in alone.

 

* * *

 

[Bucky 14:13]  
I’ll make you a deal  
I’ll text with you and you make the drone stop staring at me.

[Shuri 14:13]  
It has no eyes  
Ergo, no staring

[Bucky 14:14]  
Fine  
Make it stop hovering by my head  
There’s kind of a threatening quality in it  
Thank you.

[Shuri 14:15]  
Why’d you leave your beads behind anyway, such a hassle having to fly a new set up to you?  
I know you weren’t hiding from me  
You would have left the arm otherwise

[Shuri 14:18]  
From the way you keep presumably writing and erasing I’m guessing it’s because you didn’t want people in general to be able to contact you  
I’m the only one who can connect to your new set right now, so keep them with you

[Bucky 14:19]  
I promise.

[Shuri 14:19]  
How’s M’Baku’s retreat?

[Bucky 14:20]  
Peaceful. Nice views.

[Shuri 14:20]  
Should be, considering it’s on the mountaintop

[Bucky 14:21]  
I still don’t understand why he invited me  
Considering he usually only trusts the Jabari, not even majority of the rest of you Wakandans.  
And I’m an outsider

[Shuri 14:22]  
You’ll have to ask him  
But there’s a well of kindness in him, as I’m sure you know  
And he’s ready to take on all kinds of battles, even those not solved by fists. It’s obvious there was a need for a place of recovery for those who were erased, so he made one. Maybe he just realized you needed it?  
I should pack my brother up and send him there too  
He’s working too much  
Definitely hasn’t taken enough time to deal with it all  
But I guess not everyone is as well-adjusted as me  
Okoye could come with him and catch up with M’Baku

[Bucky 14:24]  
Is there something between them?

[Shuri 14:24]  
Complicated  
Anyway  
I know you don’t want to talk with Steve  
But can I at least tell him you’re safe?  
So that he can focus on being miserable about getting dumped by his fiance while he was away without any explanation  
And not have to worry over your safety at the same time

[Bucky 14:27]  
I’m sensing you don’t approve what I did

[Shuri 14:27]  
WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?!?

[Bucky 14:30]  
I can’t talk of it  
Not now  
I needed to get away  
But you can tell Steve I’m safe

[Shuri 14:31]  
Just that?

[Bucky 14:36]  
I don’t think there’s anything else to say

[Shuri 14:36]  
Right  
So it’s like that  
I’ll tell him

[Shuri 14:45]  
Look, I get that you needed to find a way to deal with what happened  
About time too  
But the way you’re handling this when it comes to Steve is the stupidest thing you’ve done  
I don’t know everything you’ve ever done, but that’s still true

[Bucky 14:49]  
Steve deserves better than what I can give him

[Shuri 14:49]  
Definitely the stupidest

 

* * *

 

It’s the afternoon two days after Steve returned. He has done all the regular chores and more, trying to keep active, trying to find a connection to something at least to make himself feel less like he’s completely lost. He’s had a couple visitors from the village; the elder Okusana came with her granddaughter, bringing honey cakes. They didn’t even mention Bucky, but they said they’d taken care of the goats over the couple of days before Steve arrived. They also told him that the building of a new storage house would start in a couple of days, and Steve took the hint and promised to come and help with it. It’s how things work around the village; help is given when it’s needed, and returned when one has an opportunity. It reminds Steve of the tenement where he grew up, because they were all poor, but most of them still took part in their little community, taking care of the children and the sick when needed, chipping in according to their abilities. Steve knows the two women most likely came just to check on him, and that he should expect similar visits on the days he won’t be going to the village. That too is being part of a community, there’s always support if one just chooses to receive it, and sometimes it’s given even when one doesn’t want to or know how to ask.

He has kept his phone with him at all times, just in case Bucky will want to contact him, but otherwise he hasn’t even looked at any of the messages he’s received from his friends. He knows in broad strokes what they would say, and he also knows he wouldn’t handle their assumption of his happiness at all well, and so he has ignored them. He does immediately pick up when Shuri calls him, though, hoping for more news on Bucky.

He breezes right past the greetings, and immediately asks, “Is Bucky okay?”

“He’s safe, as safe as he would be there at the farm, and he will keep on being safe for the foreseeable future.”

It’s a massive relief for Steve, his immediate worries of the stability of Bucky’s situation are now alleviated, but he couldn’t help but notice Shuri didn’t say Bucky is okay, just that he’s safe, which is not the same thing at all. “Thank you. I don’t want to—” Steve pauses, unsure how he should phrase his thoughts, but Shuri jumps in.

“I didn’t talk to him, just texted. I know he didn’t leave a message for you before he left, and I don’t want to go into specifics about it as long as he doesn’t, but at the same time I think you should know a bit more than you now do.”

“I think he did leave a message, just not in words,” Steve says, and draws in a steadying breath, because just now he sounded a lot more bitter than he wanted to, especially talking with her. “I don’t want you to break any trust with him.”

Shuri lets out a hum, something Steve knows these days is a sign of irritation. He thinks it’s directed toward Bucky more than him, which her words confirm. “I still think it’s unfair to leave you hanging like this. I can tell you a bit more, in generalities. It won’t breach his trust. He left because he needs to deal with something, and it’s personal, nothing to do with the two of you. I’d say it’s something he’s been ignoring, and it all may have just suddenly fallen on him for some reason, maybe just by chance, which made all of this more dramatic than it really needed to be. I’m sorry the fallout crashed so hard on you.”

“Right.” Steve takes a few steps and rubs at his temples. “It’s obviously not a surprise to me that he has baggage, we all know that, but the part that it isn’t about us, I don’t know. Why would he leave the ring if there wasn’t something more?”

“Because he’s a self-sacrificing idiot, you should have some familiarity with that. It’s not like this is a complete outlier for him.”

“Yeah, I suppose that might be it. Thank you for reaching out to me, and to him.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll keep in touch with him.”

Steve knows the last part is meant as a reassurance for him. Shuri is going to respect Bucky’s obvious need for privacy by not giving out his contact information, but it helps Steve to know that at least someone he trusts implicitly will be in regular contact with Bucky.

It’s harder for him to believe Shuri’s assessment that Bucky is really only working on a personal problem, nothing to do with him. Their rings are still sitting on their shelf, Steve is continually conscious of them even when he tries to not look at them too much, and they are a constant reminder that Bucky clearly decided their relationship wouldn’t work after all. With that, it’s hard to not blame himself, especially since he can guess some possible reasons for Bucky’s decision.

Up until his arrival two days earlier Steve had been confident they were making their relationship work even when they had to spend a lot of time apart, but now he’s not sure at all that it was working for both of them. He had known Bucky was struggling with regaining his footing after returning from being vanished, and he had also known that Bucky certainly hadn’t accepted as much external help as many others who are now successfully recovering. Steve sometimes talked with Bucky about it, but Bucky either asserted he was fine, or just brushed the concerns off. Now Steve wonders if he should have pushed, or if he should have spent more time in Wakanda. Maybe Bucky thought he worked so hard that there was no sense worrying him, and carried his burdens alone until they became too much.

Now that Bucky is gone, Steve has no way to find out what exactly happened, but he can’t help but think he could have, should have done things better, should have spent more time with Bucky, and maybe that would have helped him. Perhaps they did fall apart because Steve got too immersed in his work and didn’t pay enough attention to Bucky, who by all rights should have all the care and love he could ever desire. It’s impossible to avoid the conclusion that he failed their relationship.

Steve spends the next few days quietly. He still doesn’t contact anyone, but the messages from his friends stop, and he suspects one of them called someone here in Wakanda to ask about him. It’s a relief to know they must know already, that Steve won’t have to deal with their happiness for him. Not that he’s too thrilled about the idea of commiserations either, but at least the topic is already broached, and that’s something.

He goes to the village to help with the building of the new storage house, and on the days he stays at the farm someone always comes by, obviously checking on him even when they always have some kind of an excuse. Steve always talks with them for a bit, and it does actually help to have at least some kind of regular human contact, even if it’s only a few minutes every day. He doesn’t hear anything of Bucky, and truthfully he doesn’t have to try too hard to not ask Shuri about him. Since there’s no chance that he’ll get Bucky back any time soon or maybe not at all, it’s easier if he doesn’t know many details. He can’t imagine where Bucky is or what he might be doing when he knows nothing, and so he must occupy his mind in other ways.

Five days after he arrived he makes a decision. He has lost Bucky, and he doesn’t want to hang on the hope of getting him back, no matter what Shuri might say. He doesn’t choose his new path because he thinks it might lead them back together. Instead, he has considered the reasons why their breakup may have happened, and there are corrections he can make. Losing the most important person in his life clearly is a sign he’s been doing something wrong, and while there’s no going back, he might as well try to do better just for himself. The first part of it is to step completely away from his job as an Avenger.

It will be difficult, Steve admits as much to himself. There are a lot of things about being an Avenger that feel right to him, but he also knows that he has become too immersed in it, to the detriment of everything else. The complete stepping down might not be permanent, but it’s something he believes he needs right now. Just trying to limit his involvement would at most lead to a short change and gradually slipping back to the current situation or even worse, considering there isn’t Bucky now to lure him away from work. This attempt might not work out for him, and if so he will go back, or if it feels right he might in the end step down permanently. He doesn’t know yet how things will turn out.

For now he’s going to stay at the farm and take care of it. It’s their home, but it’s especially so for Bucky, he has made it more his while Steve was away, and Steve wants it to be here in case Bucky wants to come back, be it to try again with Steve or not. In the meanwhile, he’ll try and remember what it means to live in peace.

 

* * *

 

[Shuri 19:37]  
How are you settling in?  
Are you freezing there on the mountaintop?

[Bucky 19:42]  
Less than I expected, actually.

[Shuri 19:42]  
Oh good you’re there  
I was starting to think you’d disappeared on me

[Bucky 19:43]  
I know you can tell when I’m wearing the bracelet.

[Shuri 19:43]  
Figuratively disappearing

[Bucky 19:43]  
I promised I’d text you

[Shuri 19:43]  
I remember  
:/

[Bucky 19:47]  
Yeah okay, I know I have recently gone back on some promises I meant to keep.

[Shuri 19:47]  
You said it, not me  
I’ll have you remember

[Bucky 19:48]  
I’m sure you will

[Bucky 19:52]  
How is he doing?

[Shuri 19:52]  
Blaming himself and dramatically overreacting  
Kind of like you

[Bucky 19:52]  
??

[Shuri 19:53]  
He’s basically overhauling his entire life  
It may even do some good in the end  
Your farm will definitely be in a pristine condition  
And before you feel too good about it, he’s also completely miserable  
Basically exactly what you should have expected

[Bucky 19:54]  
It is, I suppose

[Shuri 19:54]  
If you want to know more you should ask him

[Bucky 19:56]  
I don’t think that’s a good idea

[Shuri 19:56]  
:/  
But fine  
For now  
Tell me why you’re not freezing as much as you expected to

[Bucky 19:58]  
Technically I’m physically not that bothered by cold, I can handle it better than most people  
It just messes with my head  
That’s one of the reasons why I like it so much there at home  
But somehow here it doesn’t call my bad memories back

[Shuri 19:59]  
That’s great then

[Bucky 19:59]  
I mean, I still bundle up like a pro

[Shuri 19:59]  
I did too when I was up there  
It’s so pretty but not much fun when you’re used to the climate in the lowlands  
Have you talked to anyone yet?

[Bucky 20:00]  
I talk to people all the time

[Shuri 20:00]  
Stop stalling  
You know exactly what I mean

[Bucky 20:01]  
Yeah, I do know  
And I have, a little

[Shuri 20:01]  
Tbh that’s sooner than I expected

[Bucky 20:03]  
Yeah, same  
Surprised me how the barriers I’ve had up suddenly didn’t feel that difficult to cross  
It helps for some reason that they went through the same thing, but don’t know me personally  
I guess in some bizarre way it was too much to talk of it all with someone who already knows me, that some critical barrier was broken

[Shuri 20:04]  
Makes sense  
In a way  
Although I might add that I suggested several people who help others deal with this sort of stuff that you didn’t know personally

[Bucky 20:05]  
I know. I guess I just wasn’t ready

[Shuri 20:05]  
And you are now?

[Bucky 20:06]  
Fuck no  
I just didn’t have any other options left  
And I know it’s true I should have worked on it earlier

[Shuri 20:06]  
I wasn’t going to say that  
Probably  
Anyway  
I have to go  
Don’t be a stranger

[Bucky 20:07]  
I promise

 

* * *

 

_Eight weeks earlier_

Bucky catches himself bouncing his leg for the third time within fifteen minutes. It’s not a usual habit for him, in general he tends toward unnaturally still rather than restless, but he’s unsettled now, enough that he has a difficulty focusing on his book. It’s getting bad enough that he suspects he’s bothering the people around him.

“I’ll go take a walk, to try and burn off some of this energy,” he says, and and Shuri nods, waving distractedly at him without really looking away from her work.

Bucky has been in the city for a few days now, and he’s really missing the farm. There are always the chores, always something to do that’ll distract him from his thoughts. This morning he felt jittery, and since there were no goats to tend to he headed to Shuri’s lab, because he usually feels at peace there. When he thinks of it he finds it kind of funny and even strange, considering his experiences inside labs have overwhelmingly fallen into the negative category. It probably helps that hers doesn’t look like any other lab he’s been in, but he also believes it’s mostly because it’s the place were he regained himself. He trusts her, and that makes any environment she controls feel safe, no matter how many dangers there actually are.

Today his anxiety has less to do with his past as the Winter Soldier, and hence it probably was too optimistic to just try and find a place where he’s generally comfortable at. He seriously considers just going back to his rooms, grabbing his things, and going home, but he promised to attend the dinner hosted for the royal family and their close friends that will be held later that night, and he wants to stick to his word. Instead of hightailing it out of the city he goes to the gardens.

It’s lush and beautiful there, and not at all stately and formal like his idea of royal gardens was before this. Here nature has been allowed to spread and stretch across the space, there are a lot of threes, some of them fruit bearing, and all the spots for the visitors to rest are molded among them, rather than dictating where trees can grow. Bucky generally likes it there, but right now he misses his farm, the more modest surroundings that are his home. It’s still easier to be outside, and he feels his head clearing just a bit.

He’s missing Steve as well, which is partly the reason for his restlessness. Maybe even all of it. They talked on the phone the day before, and Steve sounded even more tired than usual. Bucky worries over him; Steve’s doing what he feels is important, but it’s taking its toll, and right now Bucky doesn’t know if Steve is dealing with it the best possible way. He probably should know exactly where Steve is at, considering they’re engaged, but the way things have fallen into place means they spend a lot of time apart, and it’s just impossible to keep track perfectly.

Bucky worries, and he wants Steve to come home, wants to see him unwind the way he always does when he spends time in Wakanda, but there’s also a part of him that dreads it. Not because of Steve, but because of himself. He is a mess, he knows it, and he worries that one day Steve will come home and see it, and realize it was folly after all to think they’d fit together in any way. It’s been almost a year, and it still all too often feels unreal for Bucky that they’re engaged. It’s probably a sign of something.

“Will you stop your pacing and sit down?”

Bucky is startled, because even though he was peripherally aware he wasn’t alone in the garden, he is surprised he’s spoken to. There is a tacit agreement that these parts of the garden are for each person to relax in solitude, and so everyone leaves the others alone. Then again, perhaps his pacing annoys those who are seeking peace. Maybe he should have gone for a run instead.

Bucky shakes his head at himself, trying to focus, and goes to the speaker. It’s M’Baku, the leader of the Jabari. Bucky has met him a few times, and although they’ve never really talked that much he has always been a bit intrigued about the man, who seems full of contrasts. He’s often brash in his demeanor but thoughtful and intelligent, intimidating when he wants to, patient when he needs to be so. Bucky knows that some people probably take a while to get used to him, but that his qualities make him a good leader, and that he cares fiercely of his people.

Now M’Baku fixes his intense stare on Bucky who has to summon just a bit of the calmness learned as the Winter Soldier to be able to weather it without fidgeting. It takes all he has to stare frankly back and not retreat behind the barriers of his mind, to not hide his soul from view. The frown on M’Baku’s face is considering, as if he’s weighing something, perhaps Bucky’s worth against something unknown, and he wonders if he comes lacking. It has recently been harder and harder to believe that he doesn’t, that he does matter and belongs in this world. That the colorless nothing isn’t about to take him again.

Bucky blinks and pushes away the memories that haunt him and try to invade his mind at any moment. It’s been getting more difficult to ignore them and keep them at bay, and he should probably do something about it, about how he’s often terrified of all of his life falling into ashes again, but he keeps pushing it away, the way he did just now.

M’Baku now has the faintest smile on his face, and he nods as if he’s made a decision, or perhaps come to an assessment of Bucky.

“When you need it,” M’Baku says, “come up to the mountains. We have a retreat there set for the recovery of those who vanished, where we try to help them the way we helped those left behind during the years you were all gone. You’re welcome any time.”

Bucky is completely stunned by the offer. He never thought he’d be invited to the Jabari land, let alone offered something like this, and he says his thanks, but also says he needs to take care of his farm, that he can’t just leave.

“For later,” M’Baku just says, and then looks over Bucky’s shoulder, straightening. “General.” He inclines his head at Okoye as a sign of respect, and she greets them both smiling.

“The King is ready to continue your conversation now,” Okoye says to M’Baku.

She emphasizes the word king just slightly, her smile slipping into a grin for a second. Bucky knows what happened during the coronation ceremony, and he also knows that from most people M’Baku would take this as an insult. He harrumphs and makes a face at Okoye instead, clearly accepting it as a bit of banter, not minding it. They head back toward the palace, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts.

The dinner that night is a nice affair, and Bucky does manage to push his worries back for a while and just enjoy it all, but when he returns home the next day his concerns return as well. He throws himself into the chores with vigor even though everything is in pristine condition same as usual. It’s good to be at home, to move in the familiar surroundings, to play with the goats, and just unwind from having to talk to many people over the previous few days. Prolonged human interaction is still somewhat taxing to Bucky, even though he enjoys getting to know new people and seeing his friends.

It’s good to be at home, but he continues to miss Steve. At least there’s a plan for him to come back for a week in a few days, so it’s not that much longer that Bucky will have to wait. He knows he probably should talk to Steve about his worries and his feelings once they’re together. It’s not exactly fair to stay silent about it all, because it’s affecting him, and even if it doesn’t yet, it will soon enough affect the both of them. He shouldn’t hide it, but he knows Steve would worry and definitely blame himself for it, and Bucky doesn’t want that. Steve is already stressed enough as it is, carries enough of a burden that Bucky doesn’t want to add to it. It’s just becoming more and more obvious that in time he will.

He again thinks back to what M’Baku said, thinks of the invitation. He’d said the place was there for when Bucky needed it, not if, as if it was a foregone conclusion that a time would come that Bucky would come. He doesn’t want it to be true, he knows if he has to leave things will have become dire indeed. He’s happy at the farm even with all his worries, he’s happy with Steve, and so he is determined to tough it out going forward.

 

* * *

 

[Bucky 9:23]  
Hey, are you up?

[Shuri 9:23]  
Wow you actually messaged me first  
And I’ve been up for three hours already

[Bucky 9:23]  
You okay?  
I know you don’t usually like to get up that early

[Shuri 9:24]  
I’m great  
I had a brain wave and had to build a prototype

[Bucky 9:24]  
Ahhh, okay then

[Shuri 9:24]  
So what did you have in mind?

[Bucky 9:26]  
It’s kind of complicated

[Bucky 9:29]  
It was probably inevitable, but I’ve been realizing things about myself and my choices that aren’t exactly flattering.

[Shuri 9:29]  
Such as?

[Bucky 9:31]  
I talked to M’Baku about why he invited me  
Want to know what he said?

[Shuri 9:31]  
I want YOU to know you’re stalling  
Get on with it

[Bucky 9:32]  
He said it was because he thought I looked like I wanted to run away  
So he gave me a place to run to  
That didn’t sit with me too well at first

[Shuri 9:33]  
Which is obviously a huge surprise  
I never could have guessed that

[Bucky 9:33]  
Shut up

[Shuri 9:33]  
:D  
Anyway  
Spill

[Bucky 9:34]  
You’re so annoying

[Shuri 9:34]  
Stop stalling and I’ll stop annoying you  
Maybe

[Bucky 9:34]  
Fair

[Bucky 9:37]  
First, I love Steve, okay?

[Shuri 9:37]  
No way!  
It’s only everyone on this planet and a whole bunch of aliens that know that

[Bucky 9:38]  
I’m trying here

[Shuri 9:38]  
And I’m trying to make sure you don’t drown yourself in your melodrama

[Bucky 9:39]  
Yeah  
That’s probably also fair  
Point is, despite how much I love him, it doesn’t mean I was ready for the commitment  
And I think evidence says I wasn’t ready for getting engaged when we did  
There’s too much baggage

[Shuri 9:40]  
I’m sorry it came to this

[Bucky 9:41]  
Me too  
Mostly for Steve  
I wish I’d realized I wasn’t ready so we could have gone a different route  
And I know you’re about to say I could have handled this better

[Shuri 9:42]  
No need for me to say it since you did  
Also  
Had I wanted to say it I would have typed it out faster than you did just now

[Bucky 9:43]  
Could you tell Steve?  
That it was too early, but that I do love him

[Shuri 9:44]  
I think you should definitely tell him  
I don’t think he’d believe it from anyone else

[Bucky 9:48]  
How is he, then?

[Shuri 9:48]  
Hard to say, sometimes  
I think he’s at least making an effort to deal  
Success varies  
Also he has a cat

[Bucky 9:48]  
He has a what now?!

 

* * *

 

Steve has always been mostly indifferent toward animals. His ma used to feed the alley cats sometimes, when times were easier and they weren’t struggling quite as much as usual, and some of the soldiers made companions of stray dogs during the war. Here in Wakanda the farm was at first Bucky’s, and while it’s Steve’s home now as well, he always saw the goats as part of the farm and not as a quirky set of companions the way he knows Bucky did.

Does. Did. Steve has no idea what Bucky thinks these days.

Point is, Steve has always taken care of all the needs of the goats, but it’s only now that he’s really starting to pay attention to their personalities, beyond Grant who he’s always considered all too much of a pain. He’s started to call it Jim Grant, not wanting to go against Bucky’s naming, but it’s also a very deliberate choice, because Bucky always hated it when people got it in their heads to call him Jim as a diminutive of James. Steve knows the change came from his desire to lash back at Bucky, even when he knows it’s an immature reaction, and also that it has no effect really, since Bucky isn’t present to experience any of it. He focuses on the goats instead, getting to know them as individuals rather than a herd, starting to even like Jim Grant and its antics a bit, but they’re still not exactly equivalent of pets or companions.

The kitten is a whole another thing. A week after Steve arrived in Wakanda and his world broke apart, he went to visit Shuri at her lab. It was a social call, he’d known he was in danger of becoming a recluse if he let things progress much further, and so he’d decided to make some visits, to re-establish some of his other connections since the most important one was now lost.

The kitten had been in the lab, sleeping in a box on a colorful blanket, a little round bundle of golden sand colored fur. Apparently she had been found alone nearby, no one knowing where she’d come from, and they hadn’t had time yet to take her to a shelter. Steve had found the whole thing fairly hilarious, actually it had been the first thing that had made him laugh since he arrived, because while Shuri appreciates cats on principle, she’s actually not that comfortable having one close by, and the way she’d been glaring at the box, even when her ire had been directed at whoever was responsible for the abandonment, had been funny to Steve.

Shuri had gotten her revenge by somehow managing to get Steve to agree to take the kitten. He has a good memory, he remembers the whole conversation they had, and he still can’t quite explain how she maneuvered it. In the end he’d had a new little companion, his final bit of resistance dying when she woke up and looked at him with blue eyes exactly the same shade as Bucky’s. Since then Steve has learned that her eyes will change color during her first year, but the attachment has grown strong already. Steve named her Sandy, found out what he needed to know about taking care of a kitten, set everything up, and now he has a companion always with him as he goes about his regular days, because she doesn’t like to be left alone. She’s either riding up on his shoulder or in the crook of his elbow, exploring things nearby if he stays in one spot for prolonged time, or enjoying all the pettings from the neighborhood children.

Sandy is somewhat timid around new people, but generally friendly. For some reason she hasn’t taken to Sam at all, which Steve knows Bucky would find hilarious, and the thought in turn makes the perpetual ache in his heart flare up again, because who knows if Bucky will ever get to know her. If and when Bucky comes back, Steve will have to find some other place to live in, because the farm has always been important to Bucky, and now that their paths have diverged Steve is starting to feel like he’s a caretaker even when it’s still his home as well and he’s making some of the changes they’d talked about for both of them. Sandy will become used to the place, and it’ll be difficult to make her leave when Steve will have to, but he knows she’ll come with him.

Sam arrived a couple of weeks after Steve, making noises about appreciating some time away from work, but the faint lines of worry had been prominent on his face from the first moment. Steve had gone to the city to see him arrive and help him settle, taking a detour to the lab with Sandy just on principle to let Shuri see her again. Steve hadn’t really noticed, since she’s with him all the time, but Shuri commented she was visibly bigger than she’d been just a week earlier. They’d gone back to the farm late that night so that others didn’t have to pitch in with the chores, while Sam had stayed in the guest wing of the palace.

Sam comes for a visit mid-morning the next day when Steve has finished the daily chores and is setting up a studio for himself. He and Bucky planned to make one soon after their engagement, making use of the small outbuilding with walls that open up to let air in, plenty of windows and storage space for Steve to set things up. He never had taken the time for it, he’d been so busy working with the Avengers that the plans had been indefinitely on hold. In the meanwhile the building has been used as a storage, as a playing space, and for drying nuts and grain, but now Steve has finally started realizing the plan he’s had at the back of his head for over a year. Sam comes to the door as Steve is organizing the paints and other supplies on shelves, taking them out from the crates they arrived in months earlier. There’s already a pristine canvas on the easel, ready for him to make something with. Sandy is mostly sleeping on a cushion placed on the floor where sun falls down for long hours of the day.

“I’ve seen you draw, but I guess I never really thought you’d actually go all out with painting. I remembered reading somewhere that you were an artist, but figured it was an exaggeration since you didn’t do much of it in general,” Sam says, taking a good look at everything.

“I mean, part of it was so much hot air,” Steve says. “I went to art school for a while, not long because there was no money for it, and I earned some money by drawing portraits for tourists, or painting signs for bars and shops, doing some ads. I did a catalog for a department store once, that was pretty good money. I liked to draw since I was a child, but when you’re as poor as I was, there wasn’t much chance to try for art for the sake of it, you know?”

“So now you’re seeing what you actually can do with no limitations?”

“I suppose. When I woke up I soon realized I could, there no longer was need to worry about the money and whether I’d eat if I got the supplies I wanted. I just never started, I was always too busy.” Steve makes a face and looks away from Sam, the understanding in his eyes hard to bear, but Steve wants to be honest too. “Guess I’m only now realizing how much I pushed some of the things I wanted for myself to the side while prioritizing my work with SHIELD and as an Avenger.”

Sam makes a commiserating sound, but to Steve’s surprise he smiles a bit too. “That’s actually good to hear, I’m less worried now.”

“How come?”

“When you told us you’d take a break and stay here to take care of the farm I worried you were martyring yourself, pulling away from things you cared about as a punishment. That you’re taking time to do something that’s important to you, and not connected to Barnes, is good.”

“Yeah, I get that. It took me some thinking, but I really want to make my own life better, and not roll in misery. I’m okay.” Steve smiles at Sam and goes to scoop Sandy up on his shoulder. “Come on, let’s find lunch.”

“I could eat. Although I’ll say it’s probably premature to say you’re okay, you’re obviously a mess. But it’s understandable. The important part is that it doesn’t seem to be the kind of a mess where you’re just spiraling down.”

“That’s true, I guess,” Steve concedes.

Steve sets to putting together a lunch while Sam looks about their house. Steve notices he pauses at the shelf where the rings are sitting by the photograph, and makes himself not react even though he kind of wants to flinch. He has talked only a bit about what happened between him and Bucky to his friends, he has told them enough facts that they understand, but hasn’t been able to open up more. He even ended a call with Nat when she asked, not wanting to deal with the questioning. He picked up when she called back, and she had moved on to a completely different topic, she knows him well enough that she recognizes when she needs to back away.

“I’m surprised you haven’t extended this house,” Sam says. “It’s a bit cramped for two, I’d say.”

Steve pauses, and looks around. The house is small, basically consisting of just one room, and certainly smaller than any of the apartments Steve has lived in after he was found in the ice. Even so, it’s the first time he really thinks of the size of the house, the way it must appear for someone like Sam.

“We never had even this much space, before. We’re used to living right on top of each other, so this here is pretty much luxury.”

“Even after shacking up at Stark’s for a few years?” Sam asks, grinning.

“Even so. It’s different with Bucky. What we have here matters in a way those big apartments didn’t, you know? Although I guess it would be nice to have a guest room at least.”

“Eh, I like it in the city. No fear of you dragging me up at the crack of dawn to shovel goat shit or whatever it is that you do.”

 

Sam stays for a week, and it’s good for Steve, it solidifies his habit of socializing, and afterward he feels more settled, more like he has found his place in the community and that he can make progress on the road he chose. It’s funny how it goes, he lives his life, starts painting, does his chores, meets people, plays with Sandy, and it’s almost good, he almost forgets to miss anything else until something suddenly reminds him of  Bucky, and the pain slams right back into him making it impossible to think of anything other than how much he misses their life together. He can’t help but berate himself for the mistakes he’s made for all that other people try to tell him otherwise. The hole gaping in his heart and his life is evidence enough.

Shuri has tried to reassure him a little, to keep Bucky’s trust she won’t go into details, but she has told him that Bucky has a problem he needs to handle that has nothing to do with Steve. Sam told him that he’d been expecting something to break ever since he found out Bucky evidently hadn’t sought help with dealing with the aftermath of being vanished. Sam said that at some point it was bound to overwhelm Bucky, and at that point he may have reacted in a way that wasn’t thoroughly considered. Steve knows they’re trying to make him feel better, make him understand it’s not necessarily his fault that things have come to this. He’s not convinced, and even if he were, it still wouldn’t help. Bucky is gone regardless of reasons, their official tie is broken even when there are ties that will bind them for eternity. Those just never were a guarantee they would stay together. Steve knows Shuri believes things will get better for them, and that they will come back together again, but he can’t make himself believe it. He has decided it’s best to focus on building his own life and not linger on might have beens and possible futures.

Weeks pass, and Steve gets used to the rhythm of his new life. He’s much less stressed than he used to be, the steadier pace of his new life is working for him on that front at least. Natasha comments on it during one of their regular video chats, saying he still looks sad but also looser, less pinched with worry. He paints regularly, mostly just messing around, trying different techniques and working out what kind of a style feels natural. He does like the medium as much as he remembers, loves being able to block the colors and create vibrant shapes, how the surface can have life and texture even in the third dimension unlike pencil on paper does. He’s not creating masterpieces, he knows well enough, but he’s starting to find a way to put a bit of his soul into the works at least.

He keeps missing Bucky, and the sorrow of losing him doesn’t really lessen. Sometimes it’s farther away, sometimes it’s all he can think of, but it’s always there, something he’s learning to live with since he must, but not really dealing with. Whenever he thinks of it there’s the trouble that he doesn’t have enough context, he lacks information that would help him settle the matter for him. He has a lot more questions than answers, and it’s preventing him from finding a closure that would allow him to move past it. For that he’d need to talk to Bucky, but it’s impossible now.

There are times when he has to try and fill the emptiness left by Bucky with whatever he can get, and he spends a lot of time going through their house, looking at Bucky’s things and trying to find something of their owner in them. The realization he comes to is startling; how you can know everything that matters about someone, and still have almost an infinite amount of things you don’t know. He knows Bucky, knows his secret smiles and aching parts of soul, knows his values and his dreams, but he doesn’t know exactly what Bucky’s life was like when he was alone here at home. He knows the rough shape of it but not the details, and now without Bucky to focus on he finds some of those details instead.

He found his sketchbook where he left it, but there were a few scraps of paper between the pages that were new, maybe so that Bucky would find his favorites sooner. One of the marked pictures depicts the Brooklyn of their childhood, another is a sketch of the farm from up the hill, children playing about and Bucky herding the goats. It looks happy, not just the people in the picture but also the lines are radiating it, somehow conveying the mood he’d been in on that very good day.

There’s a digital photo frame, usually circulating a selection of their friends, but when Steve looks at the files, he finds a selection of the goats in hilarious poses or places, and another of just himself, the images taken without him noticing, often when he was asleep. Steve has a similar collection on his phone, photos snapped of Bucky during his daily life, and he hesitates only a little before copying them to the photo frame and sets them to be displayed. He knows it might not be healthy, he’s clinging to Bucky even when he’s been rejected. Maybe he should just file everything of Bucky out of sight, but he can’t. He’s not ready for it yet, and there’s still the matter that it’s Bucky’s home as well, and Steve doesn’t want to change things too much without him knowing.

They have a lot of books, both digital and printed. Sometimes they read the same books, but not always, and now Steve focuses on those he has so far classified as Bucky’s in his mind and mostly ignored. Some sci-fi novels seem well thumbed through, but Steve finds the non-fiction books more fascinating, because there are sometimes notes in the margins, scribbled in tiny but unmistakably Bucky’s hand. There are books on engineering, physics, and astronomy, and they all have sections highlighted, as well as questions and bits of thought here and there in the margins. Sometimes even the odd joke. The notes don’t make much sense to Steve as he’s not reading the books, just searching for pieces of Bucky’s habits, but they are precious nonetheless.

Every day Steve finds something new, and all of it both help him with the missing and make it more keen. He drinks in every detail, he’s insatiable for them, turning them over in his mind and adding to the picture of the Bucky he knows. Every new facet of him Steve finds makes him all the more intriguing, and he finds that he’s almost falling in love with Bucky all over again, by getting to know the things that used to be comparatively less important. It’s definitely not helping him at all with moving forward, with moving away from his life so tightly tied to Bucky, but he has no resolve to do anything else. He’s changing his habits, but he can’t change the fact he loves Bucky.

He finds these bits of happiness, but also questions and worries, signs that Bucky was struggling and didn’t want to tell him. Steve thinks he should have seen it, should have known it was worse than Bucky wanted to show him. He can’t shake the guilt over not properly seeing Bucky wasn’t okay in time.

He starts to get used to his new life, and to find both the benefits and difficulties in it. It feels like the right thing to do still, but it’s not always easy sticking to it. Sometimes on quiet moments when there are no necessary duties Steve can’t make himself take up his paints or do something else for himself, sometimes he can’t help but think the life he now leads can be tedious and repetitive, that he could be, should be perhaps, somewhere else. He could be contributing to something bigger than just living his own life. When those thoughts become overwhelming he usually takes off running, speeding through the plains as fast as his feet can carry under the scorching sun for a few hours. He comes back dehydrated and sunburned, feeling like there must be something wrong with him since he seems so incapable of enjoying peace. The runs usually help quiet his mind a bit, and after a wash and some food and drink he can collapse in bed and nap for a couple of hours with Sandy sleeping on top of his chest or at the crook of his elbow, and when he wakes up he can again resume his regular daily routine.

 

* * *

 

[Shuri 02:32]  
Why are you up this late?

[Bucky 02:33]  
Are you checking my biofeedback to see if I’m awake?  
Why are you up so late for that matter?

[Shuri 02:33]  
Couldn’t sleep  
You?

[Bucky 02:34]  
I was just doing some thinking  
I think I’m starting to understand why exactly I’ve had such a hard time since we came back

[Shuri 02:34]  
Well that’s good  
What is it then?

[Bucky 02:35]  
The first couple of months after DC I was on a survival mode, just trying to disappear. After I was sure my tracks were cold and I was safe, I went to Bucharest and settled there.

[Shuri 02:36]  
Why’d you choose that city?

[Bucky 02:36]  
I could fit in, both with my looks and the languages I speak, and secondly there was no recorded previous connection, so it was safe. It was about hiding.

[Shuri 02:38]  
Go on

[Bucky 02:39]  
When there I dove right into my past. I tried to learn everything about it, what they made me do, how they controlled me, who I had been before. I had been made to disappear, and there I tried to get myself back.

[Shuri 02:40]  
Did you manage it?

[Bucky 02:40]  
Enough, I’d say. I wasn’t the same, but I was someone who made sense to me. And later, when you took the triggers away I figured that was it, I was over the worst. That the rest would heal.  
And I think it would have

[Shuri 02:41]  
And then the purple bastard decided to fuck us over

[Bucky 02:42]  
Yeah. It messed me up, because I’d disappeared again, and after I came back I tried to just not think of it because I’d already dealt with that kind of a thing, I was fine.  
You know how well that worked out

[Shuri 02:43]  
You should have taken the advice pretty much everyone gave you, and get some help

[Bucky 02:44]  
I know  
I should have, I didn’t, and now it’s a different kind of a mess. I’m trying to work on it here, and I think I’m learning to understand why exactly I acted the way I did. I’m trying to look at it honestly and without flinching, trying to find a balance between pushing what happened back and being overwhelmed

[Shuri 02:45]  
And I’m guessing it helps with this also that you’re there with people who don’t know you, like you said before

[Bucky 02:46]  
It does  
It also helps that they know what it was like. It’s hard for me to talk of it. I’m getting better, but at first I could get to it only in a very roundabout way. They’d been there too, so they still understood, and they didn’t know me, so they didn’t try to put it in some context with my past.  
It helped

[Bucky 02:49]  
Ever since I came back I’ve been afraid of vanishing again  
What’s to say it won’t happen in some other way, three times is the charm or something. And I’m starting to be able to live with knowing that it might indeed happen, because if I worry about it then I miss everything that matters.

[Shuri 02:50]  
I’m glad for you

[Bucky 02:50]  
Anyway  
What’s going on with you?

[Shuri 02:51]  
Why do you think something must be going on?

[Bucky 02:51]  
You’re stalling, for starters. And you haven’t teased me once during this conversation, I noticed.  
So what’s up?

[Shuri 02:52]  
Nothing

[Bucky 02:52]  
Shuri.

[Shuri 02:54]  
Okay okay  
It’s nothing in particular, you know?  
I’ve just been listless for some days, haven’t slept very well  
I’ll be fine

[Bucky 02:55]  
You know, mountain air has helped me sleep better  
If you can get away for a while, it would be nice to see you

[Shuri 02:56]  
I’ll consider it  
But thank you

 

* * *

 

_Seven months earlier_

“I don’t see why you need to constantly update my arm, it works fine,” Bucky says, even though he knows it’s a token protest, after all he’s already sitting in Shuri’s lab with his shirt off.

“You’re like my brother in that. I always have to tell you, even if something works, it doesn’t mean it can’t be better. Besides, twice since you started regularly wearing this is hardly excessive,” Shuri says, never slowing down her work pace, connecting tiny threads of vibranium at Bucky’s forearm and occasionally looking at the diagnostics screen next to it.

“Okay, so what does this one do? I don’t need the ability to punch people harder than I can now.”

“No, this will fine tune the sensory response. It’ll still allow you to punch through a brick wall if you so desire without hurting you, but it will also allow you to feel gentler things more keenly. It should do away with the dullness of sensation you’ve had so far.”

“So it’s a modulator, recognizing if something should hurt and it dulls that but nothing else.”

“Basically so, yes. It should be fairly close to normal range of sensation from now on, albeit not quite the same since the surface isn’t at all similar. I guess it might be a bit overwhelming for a while considering you’re used to not feeling so much with your left hand.”

“I’m sure I can deal,” Bucky says. “Thanks, Shuri.”

She smiles at him, appearing genuinely pleased. “You’re welcome.”

They don’t talk for a moment, Shuri focuses on her work and Bucky looks around, noting that as usual all the prototypes are different from what he’s seen before. Some are improved versions of technology they already have, others something completely new. Soon Shuri seems to be near finished, she’s marking off items in her checklist and tucking the wires into their place inside the arm. She’s also pursing her lips in a way Bucky recognizes as her trying to figure out how to broach a subject, which makes him a bit wary, because it’s not often that she hesitates.

“Have you talked to anyone yet?” she finally asks, and Bucky knows exactly what she means even without specifics, and understands her hesitation as well.

He summons a smile on his face. “I’m fine, really. Everything is great, and Steve is coming home today, so I’ve got no reason to not be happy.”

“Yeah, being troubled always asks for a reason,” she says somewhat tartly, and Bucky realizes his defensiveness has come close to hurting her.

“I know it doesn’t, and I’m sorry, I should have thought better what to say. I know you’ve found help, and I’m glad for that. It’s true I have difficult days sometimes, but it’s nothing I can’t handle, honestly.”

Her gaze on him is still skeptical, but she drops the subject for now at least. Bucky knows it will come up again, but for now he’s satisfied of having directed the conversation away. He’s distracted from his thoughts then, because Steve comes in, Shuri’s security system letting him through the doors. Steve looks somewhat tired, the way he usually does these days when he comes back home from New York, and he’s wearing a button down rather than a t-shirt, meaning he must have been sitting in the office or at a meeting right up until it was time to get on the plane. Bucky often worries about the amount of work Steve does, even the super soldier serum probably won’t allow him to avoid burnout forever, but what Steve does is important to him, and as long as he regularly makes time to come back home Bucky isn’t too concerned.

Steve presses a swift kiss on Bucky’s temple for a hello and hugs Shuri. He clearly would like to embrace Bucky properly, but the metal arm is still hooked to the sensors and the panels are open, so he must wait. Bucky reaches out with his right hand and Steve takes it, squeezing it a bit. They all fall into easy chatter, telling each other what has been going on since they were parted, while Shuri finishes her work on Bucky’s arm.

When they head out Bucky begins to notice that there’s definitely more sensation in his left hand than there used to be, enough that it’s almost distracting. He lets Steve take the driving duty on the hoverbike back home, with Bucky very content to lean into his back and just enjoy having him there. Bucky kind of does want to just run his left hand up and down the side seam of Steve’s jeans, or across his hard abs, but he doesn’t, after all the point of Steve steering is that he’s not unusually distracted.

At home Steve changes into a more comfortable outfit, they take care of the chores, make dinner, and eat. It’s all things Bucky does on the daily basis, but made wonderful because they can do them together, and Bucky savors the feeling, really concentrates on it, soaks it in so that it’ll last him when Steve goes back and they have to make do with calls. The increased sensation becomes more and more familiar as they work, and toward the night Bucky doesn’t always remember to wonder about it. It helps with coordination and fine tuning his control, which in turn means he doesn’t need to think of every task quite as much as he usually does, which is worth a lot.

The more fun part comes when there’s nothing more they need to do and they retire to bed. Bucky did tell Steve of the increased sensation in his hand, and Steve appears to be perfectly content to stretch out across their bed, naked and gorgeous, and let Bucky just touch him. It is funny, because the sensations that he registers via his left hand are indeed similar in strength to those he gets from his right hand, but they’re not exactly the same. There is a minute difference, something Bucky couldn’t tell before due to the general dullness, but it is obvious now. He wouldn’t know how to describe the difference, he hasn’t got words for it, but he relishes the novelty of it now that he can concentrate on it.

He starts with Steve’s hair, running his fingers through the soft strands, laughing when Steve leans into the touch like a contented cat when Bucky massages his scalp. Steve’s skin is soft at his temple, and it coarsens as Bucky moves down to his cheek, the start of his stubble brushing against the metal. Steve has been shaving less regularly again, he sometimes almost gets a beard started like he had while he was a fugitive. He tends to shave when there are more official meetings, but Bucky suspects he might soon just decide to grow a beard again. Bucky might even suggest it, it’s not a bad look.

He cups Steve’s whole cheek, Steve nuzzling at his palm. There’s a flush rising on his cheeks that looks even brighter than usual against the metal. Bucky lightens the contact until he’s only touching Steve with the tips of his fingers, moving to his lower lip that’s plush as always, a little wet from when Steve licked at it just now. Bucky presses just a bit and Steve extends his tongue to lick at his index finger before sucking at it lightly.

Bucky can only stare, almost hypnotized in the moment, the sensation overwhelming and wonderful with Steve’s familiar warm mouth taking him in. Bucky’s dick is definitely getting interested in the proceedings as well, he’s peripherally aware he’s getting hard, but it’s not terribly important yet. Steve’s eyelashes flutter over his cheeks, the flush is deepening, and when Bucky glances down it only confirms what he already knew, Steve’s cock is filling up where it rests against his thigh.

Bucky slips his finger out of Steve’s mouth, leaving a wet trail down his chin and to his neck. He pauses at Steve’s pulse point, counting to five, the beat of the artery easily discernible. Steve swallows, his Adam’s apple working as he does so, lips curving into a happy little smile as he lazily gazes at Bucky, letting him do whatever he wants. It’s a heady feeling, even now that he’s learned to allow himself to be sure of Steve. To have him yield to the touch, obviously happy to be there and nowhere else affects Bucky as much as the act of touching does, and as he maps the patterns of the flush on Steve’s chest with his metal hand, sometimes just the tips of his fingers touching the skin, then cupping the whole pectoral in his hand, Bucky knows he might come just from this, without even touching his dick.

He only touches Steve with his left hand, no other contact between them, and Steve seems to have understood what he wants because he makes no move of trying to touch Bucky even though he normally really doesn’t want to keep his hands to himself. The varying pressure of the contact leaves goosebumps in its wake on Steve’s skin, and Bucky shivers along with him, living through the singular point of connection.

He thumbs at Steve’s nipple, then pinches it, and Steve lets out a breath, shifting. He’s getting harder every second, and Bucky is aware of how he’s running out of patience, but the happy part of it is they’re exactly at the same state. He moves his hand downward, sweeping his palm over Steve’s quivering abs, glancing up to see Steve’s eyes fall closed as he gives in to the feeling. It’s always wonderful to see Steve let go like this, the last vestiges of self-consciousness falling away. He shifts again, parting his thighs to give Bucky room, his cock standing fully hard and red now.

Bucky licks his lips as he skirts past the short golden curls at the base of Steve’s cock, and draws a wavy line up and down the sensitive inner thigh with just one tip of a finger, causing Steve’s legs fall open wider. Moving up again he gives in to his own desire and finally touches Steve’s cock, a featherlight touch of fingers moving up toward the tip at the underside. Steve’s exhale is almost punched out of him, coming out half a sigh, half a moan, in his scale almost loud. Bucky grins at it, finally wrapping his fingers around Steve’s cock, delicately at first but immediately realizing his control is just as good as it is with his right hand, and so he allows himself grasp more firmly as Steve flexes his muscles and pushes slightly up into the touch.

The metal glides smoothly over Steve’s silky skin, synapses firing in Bucky’s brain as he interprets the new sensory feedback rushing in. It doesn’t feel the same as his right hand does, there’s no give of the skin, the friction is different, but it’s wonderful in its newness, liquid warmth welling up in Bucky’s abdomen as he sets the pace he knows Steve likes, flicking his thumb over the tip of his cock and through the precome beading up there, slicking the glide even further.

He’s fascinated by the contrast of the black metal over Steve’s skin, but soon his attention focuses again on Steve’s whole being, how he’s arching up, how he’s breathing hard with his rising pleasure, and Bucky’s mouth falls open as he too needs more air, panting just as Steve is.

It doesn’t take long at all until Steve comes, muscles tightening at the moment of bliss, and a strangled moan escaping him. Bucky strokes him through it until he falls boneless to the bed, and then he bends down to kiss Steve, to press his lips over Steve’s as he grasps his own cock and comes too after only a few pulls. It’s almost too much, and he falls down next to Steve, rolling half on top of him and pressing his face into Steve’s neck, breathing in calm and happiness and home.

 

Bucky wakes up early in the morning, everything still dark as the sun hasn’t risen yet. Steve is peacefully slumbering next to him, thankfully not woken up by Bucky’s nightmare. He lies on his back for a while, willing his breathing to settle and his heart to calm down, but the constriction in his chest won’t go away, and he slips out of the bed and to the kitchen.

He makes a cup of tea, thanking his luck that Steve usually sleeps very soundly during the morning hours after he comes back due to chronic lack of sleep, even though he tends to wake a few times during the first night after he arrive. He probably won’t be woken up by Bucky’s absence at least for a while. Plenty of time for him to regroup enough to banish the nightmare so that Steve won’t know anything was wrong. It’s not really healthy to hide this, he knows it, nor does he think it’s fair either. Steve would like to know that he’s struggling, would listen to him talk of the fear of the yawning emptiness, but Bucky can’t. He wants their life to be happy, wants to push cares away while they’re together. He knows too, that his approach is risky, it’s bound to fall apart at some point, and yet he’s unable to change anything.

He drinks his tea, watches the sky starting to grow lighter, and breathes in and out, looking for the center of calm that’ll help him back into the solid world.

By the time Steve wakes up Bucky is halfway ready with the breakfast, and can smile when Steve wraps arms around him from behind, nuzzling at his neck with the drowsy and frankly adorable way he has. It’ll be a good day with no cares for him, Bucky is going to make sure of that.

 

* * *

 

[Bucky 18:59]  
Did you get home okay?

[Shuri 18:59]  
Please  
As if they’d let anything inconvenience the princess

[Bucky 19:00]  
Arguably I could point out some examples of that

[Shuri 19:00]  
Aliens or estranged cousins don’t count  
I swung by at Steve’s  
Sandy is much bigger than in the photos I showed you

[Bucky 19:01]  
That tends to happen  
I’m honestly surprised you don’t send me more photos of her

[Shuri 19:01]  
Got to give you some incentive to get your ass down from that mountain

[Bucky 19:01]  
Shuri

[Shuri 19:04]  
Yes?

[Bucky 19:06]  
Never mind  
I’m glad to see you’re back to your acerbic texting habits  
Would have loved to have you here longer, though

[Shuri 19:07]  
It was nice to have a break  
And to see you  
But ngl I like being back in my lab

[Bucky 19:08]  
You went to your lab today right after traveling?

[Shuri 19:08]  
Are you actually surprised?

[Bucky 19:08]  
Guess not

[Bucky 19:19]  
The more I think of it, the more I regret I didn’t talk to Steve  
I was basically deceiving him, letting him think everything was okay while it wasn’t

[Shuri 19:19]  
Definitely would have made a lot of things easier if you had talked

[Bucky 19:20]  
I thought Steve had so many burdens to bear. I didn’t want to add to it, but now I suppose honesty would have helped us both.

[Shuri 19:20]  
I don’t think it’s too late to try again

[Bucky 19:20]  
Don’t

[Bucky 19:25]  
I just  
What if something goes wrong again?  
What if we lost each other again?

[Shuri 19:25]  
If everyone thought like that no one would ever be in a relationship

[Bucky 19:27]  
I know  
It’s just happened so many times to us  
I don’t know if we could handle any more

 

* * *

 

Sandy is getting bigger and stronger every time Steve turns around it seems. She has been curious and outgoing from the start, and now that she’s older she can actually get pretty much anywhere she tries to. It’s not so much trouble at home, she still tends to keep near Steve, but the royal palace is a whole another matter. Steve has come to the city because Sam, Natasha, Scott, and Hope are visiting, and it’s always good to see his friends. The first two are mostly vacationing, even though for Sam it includes regular flying and for Nat sparring sessions with the Dora Milaje. Scott and Hope are there to talk of the science of shrinking and growing with Shuri, but they too find time to relax.

Steve reaches up to pick Sandy down from top of the doorway where she somehow ended up while he glanced away, and heads for the lunch they’ve all agreed to have in the garden. When there he drops Sandy on Natasha’s lap where she curls happily to sleep. Natasha tends to pretend she’s indifferent, but she always keeps petting Sandy without appearing to notice it. Steve is very sure it’s all an act.

“You’re going to get me food then,” she says, which is something Steve is happy to comply with, filling plates for her and himself from the buffet table, and making a second trip for drinks.

He ends up sitting next to Nakia and at first they talk of the outreach program she coordinates and their goals for the next few years. What Steve likes most about the program is the practicality and that it’s very consciously directed toward those that are less privileged. It would be all too easy to just go with the flow and mingle with the rich and famous who are all clamoring for Wakandan attention, to be part of the trendy projects conducted by mega-corporations, but they are forging their own way, remembering their goals, and so far it seems to be working. Steve is impressed by the clear grasp that Nakia has of poverty and struggling, considering her own background is a family that’s one of the leaders of Wakanda, and hence she’s had to learn.

“How’s your restlessness doing?” Nakia asks Steve when they’re having coffee at the end of the meal.

It’s an unusual question, not something people tend to pick up about him especially if they see relatively little of him as she does, but Steve is reminded again that she is a trained spy and that reading people is one of her principal skills. “Fluctuating still. I’m fine on most days, but other times I just feel like I have to run, to do something other than just take care of our home.”

“That’s what I thought. I think you’re much like me in that there’s always a cause worthy to work for, and you’ll find it impossible to leave doing so for others.”

“That seems to have cost me more than its worth, though,” Steve says.

Nakia smiles, and shakes her head a bit. “I’m not so sure it was that. From what I could tell, I’d say he loved you as you are, all of you without wanting you to be something different.”

“That’s kind of you to say, but it’s sort of hard to believe when he broke up with me the way he did,” Steve says, but smiles then and pushes back the moroseness that tries to take over. He’s with friends and determined to enjoy it. He can wallow in his loss when he’s alone.

In the afternoon Steve spends a couple of hours with Sam, mostly listening to him talk about his life as the new Captain America and the trials and victories that have come with it. Steve is happy to see Sam is settling into the role very well, making it his own rather than letting the pressure of it mold him. He’s definitely managing it better than Steve did in the early years after his return, but then again Sam is worlds away in his level of general adjustment and wellbeing compared to Steve back then, or even now if he’s being honest.

That evening he spends some time with Shuri, who apparently has seen Bucky recently, and she tells him Bucky’s working on the problems that made him leave. It makes Steve happy, even though in an achy way to know Bucky is doing better than he was when he left. He always wants what’s best for Bucky, but it doesn’t help him to know it’s being achieved away from him. Shuri also once more floats up the possibility of them trying again, and it’s probably a momentary weakness that makes Steve confess that he does wish they could, something he doesn’t usually admit even to himself. He tends to put on a brave face and talk of moving forward, but the truth is that even though he is somewhat successfully sorting out his priorities, he’s nowhere near getting over Bucky.

“I just wish I could talk to him. Not to ask him to come back, I don’t want to put pressure on him, but I think it’s the only thing that would help all of this to make sense for me,” Steve says.

Shuri bites her lip, clearly considering something. “Do you want to know where he is?”

“I thought you’d decided to follow his lead in this.”

“I did, but I also think he has some really stupid hang-ups that aren’t helping anyone, including him,” she says, her annoyed tone amusing Steve despite the topic.

“No,” he answers to the previous question. “No matter what else is going on, I want it to be his choice. You can let him know that I’ll be ready to listen to him whenever, no pressure for it to be anything but a talk. Or even if he wants to, I don’t know, send me a letter about it? That might help too.” Steve makes himself stop there, not liking how pathetic he sounds in his own ears. He is still at a loss when it comes to him and Bucky, and merely time doesn’t seem to be helping with it.

 

It took Steve a while to find a way of painting that works for him, namely not trying to do things according to any specific technique or style, and just working things out as he goes along. There are countless practice pieces where he’s spread the paint with all kinds of brushes and palette knives, where he’s tried the layering and how it works, how to make the colors shine though or be blocked, how to break the topmost layer with the palette knife to reveal something underneath.

There are others that are no longer just about practicing, even though Steve is well aware it’ll probably take years before he’s in a situation where he doesn’t learn some new trick or a thing that’s better not to do with every canvas he works on. He naturally tends toward abstract rather than realism, he tries to find the emotion rather than depicting the exact thing. Some of his paintings are done with the dusty golden brown of the summers in Brooklyn that are forever out of his reach, some are all blues and whites and blinding light reflecting off ice, some are as multicolored and vibrant as Wakanda around him. There are all these parts of the story of his life to be found, and he’s not sure what they say but it’s always a relief to finish something, whether the memory is of the dark forests during the war, lanced by the electric blue of the Tesseract weapons, or of a peaceful morning in Wakanda with Bucky when everything was fine.

He paints at least a little every day he’s at home, sometimes he can take only a few minutes of it, sometimes he’s lost for hours and only called back to present by Sandy complaining she’s hungry. It’s another thing that helps him find some inner calm, and it helps him reflect as well, his hands working while he’s thinking of his life and his choices, and how exactly he wants to continue.

 

Inevitably a call comes; he’s needed for a mission to save lives, the conditions such that his presence most likely will decide the outcome. He goes, because he’s still himself, no matter his recent reassessment of priorities in life he’s still someone who can’t just say no in a situation like this.

The mission goes well enough, they save everyone and get back home. Steve sustains some injuries, nothing too serious but they will take a while to thoroughly heal. It’s the part of the job that he definitely hasn’t missed, but despite it he feels satisfied in the job done, perhaps more so than he has with anything since he took the break.

It gnaws at the back of his mind when he returns home. It’s harder to settle now that he’s been away, with the knowledge that being an Avenger is still something that feels right to him. He can’t help but wonder what it says about him that he can’t be completely happy with a peaceful life, and with it the thought of maybe patching things up with Bucky feels again less likely to ever come true.

When he walks around the farm that first day back, a bit slower than usual, being careful of his ribs that he knows they could heal in a very short time here but that he hasn’t asked for since the process of physical healing helps with putting everything in context for him, all the aspects of his two lives there for him to consider. He feeds the goats, petting Jim Grant for a while, watching Sandy carefully walk on top of the fence. He likes living here, even now that Bucky is gone. He likes the quiet pace of life, he likes painting and working with his hands. He also does miss being an Avenger, finding and eliminating danger, using the abilities he was given for a good purpose.

Sam and Natasha came back to Wakanda with him, and Steve knows it’s to keep him company. He’s by no means alone here even without them, but right now he thinks it’ll probably help to have people around who understand the life as an Avenger, what it means and what kind of sacrifices it demands.

They spend a few quiet days together, not really talking of it yet, because Steve is slowly just letting things settle for himself. He’s aware he’s nearing some kind of a resolution, and doesn’t try to force it to appear, just waits to see what it is.

On the third day Natasha gets a call, and when she hangs up she says there’s something she’s needed for. She won’t elaborate, and Steve and Sam know enough to not press her about it, just tell her to be safe.

“It’s nothing dangerous,” she says when she plants a quick kiss on Steve’s cheek, and while he knows she could very well be lying, he doesn’t think she is at this time, and so he allows himself to be at ease even as she goes.

That night Steve and Sam have dinner at the farm. Since he took the break from Avenging Steve has worked with the aim to be better able to talk of his problems with his friends, and while it’s definitely a road of ups and downs, it’s been getting easier.

“I think I’ll start getting back to regular work in a little while, instead of coming just for random missions when I’m absolutely needed. I’ll need to figure out how to set things up here first, but I’m going to start taking the steps.”

“Did you get bored of a life on farm?” Sam asks, grinning, and Steve knows Sam doesn’t need his answer, the question is just to give him an avenue to talk about it.

“No, and I don’t want to be as immersed in Avenging as I used to be. It’s a worthy thing to do, but my time here has made me realize I really wasn’t balancing things in a way that was healthy on long term. I want to keep painting, for one, and I like not being exhausted most of the time.”

“Well, that can be done, considering we’ve been doing well without you.”

“I know. Although Nat is definitely starting to show the lack of sleep, so maybe we can make it work so that neither of us is in a danger of burnout.”

“Sounds like a plan. Although you should be prepared to have some missteps on the way. It’ll probably be almost too easy to just fall back to what you used to do.”

“Yeah, we need to make a plan on how to divide the work, and try to stick to it,” Steve agrees. “How’s your group at VA doing, I hope you’ve found time for it.”

“I have. I make a point of it, especially since it helps me too,” Sam says, and talks a bit more of the group of veterans he works with, ones that vanished due to Thanos and are now working to deal with it on top of everything else.

Sam had suggested Bucky attend the group as well, remotely from Wakanda, but Bucky had stubbornly refused. He’d always said he was dealing well enough, while Steve now is certain he hadn’t. He really should have seen the troubles Bucky was living with. It’s the biggest regret he has, and something he can’t repair.

 

* * *

 

[Shuri 12:37]  
Would it change things if you knew Steve wanted to try again?

[Shuri 12:42]  
Bucky?

[Bucky 12:44]  
I inhaled my tea, so thanks for just dropping that  
And by the way even though you framed the question as a hypothetical I know you wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t have a reason

[Shuri 12:45]  
Well?

[Bucky 12:49]  
I just don’t know  
Let’s not talk about this

[Shuri 12:49]  
Fine  
How are my brother’s trading talks with M’Baku going?

[Bucky 12:50]  
How would I know that?

[Shuri 12:50]  
I suspect everyone would know if it was going badly  
More importantly  
How are things going with Okoye and M’Baku?

[Bucky 12:51]  
About the same to my eye

[Shuri 12:51]  
Argh  
I don’t know who’s worse, they or you and Steve  
Let me know if something happens

 

* * *

 

_Sixteen months earlier_

They’re in bed at home at the farm, tangled together from head to toe, Bucky’s face pressed against Steve’s throat. He’s holding on tight, just as Steve is, enough that on anyone else there would be bruises. They’re both exhausted but he knows neither of them will sleep in a long time, nor will they move unless they absolutely have to.

They came back home to the farm as soon as they could get away, as soon as they weren’t absolutely needed. They’d eaten on the way, they’d washed up before they even started the journey, and so the only thing to do when they arrived had been to fall in bed together. They’re now loose and satisfied physically, tucked under a blanket after a quick cleanup, but Bucky knows it will take a long time before either of them is mentally calm, sated with closeness, and that’s what they’re now soaking in, the undeniable presence of each other.

They need the same thing, but their reasons for it are different. Steve had to live years after watching Bucky vanish from reality right in front of his eyes, for a lot of the time believing it would be impossible to reverse what Thanos did. It’s no wonder he’s holding on to Bucky now so tightly he can barely breathe. For Bucky it’s grounding to have Steve right there; having his warmth, his beating heart in close proximity helps him believe this is real, that he isn’t in some horrible limbo after vanishing. He knows he did disappear, and even after he came back it was hard to believe it was real instead of a dream, but Steve makes it a bit more okay. Being with Steve like this, Bucky can allow himself to trust the solidity of life again.

They keep holding on to each other until they fall asleep, and they wake up with their limbs still entangled, overheated but happy.

It’s hard to let go even in the morning, but nature is calling, and they finally get up. It’s odd to be at the farm now, there are no animals left since Steve mostly stayed away, and hence no routine of chores. Even so, the familiarity of the environment helps Bucky to feel more settled in himself, and when they’re having a breakfast gobbled together from whatever they brought with them, it feels almost like any other morning they’ve spent together. Bucky smiles at Steve across the little table, their ankles hooked together, because going without touching for more than a few minutes is clearly too much to ask, and he’s happy, grateful to have this chance to get his life back.

There’s also the nagging reminder at the back of his head that he might just disappear again, who’s to say it won’t happen once more considering he’s already been lost due to both Hydra and Thanos, albeit in different ways.

When they’re done with breakfast and have tidied up Bucky vaguely considers going out to have a look at the farm and to make notes on what needs fixing due to the prolonged abandonment. Before he can do so Steve catches his hand as they’re passing each other, and when Bucky looks at him he knows there’s something very important Steve needs to say. Even so, Bucky never could have guessed what it would be.

“Will you marry me?” Steve asks, with no preamble.

They’ve known for a while that they’re it for each other, and yet Bucky hadn’t expected the question of marriage to come up, they’d never discussed it before. It had felt redundant almost, he’d believed it was enough that the two of them knew, but now that Steve has asked the question, he sees it in a different light.

It’s a promise of love, a belief that they will last, a promise of permanence, and Bucky latches onto it. It’ll help him, he knows, it’ll be another anchor to hold him to this world.

He says, “Yes,” and laughs when Steve breaks out in a smile, as if he ever doubted the answer. When he lets himself pulled up to Steve Bucky is happy, and the kiss that follows fills him up, it solidifies the belief that everything will be alright from now on, that it’s enough that they have each other.

 

* * *

 

[Shuri 10:21]  
And how are you on this fine morning?

[Bucky 10:21]  
You sound unusually chipper

[Shuri 10:21]  
I should be  
I figured out how to increase the efficiency of our propulsion engine by 23 %

[Bucky 10:22]  
That’s awesome!  
Also kind of scary considering what the planes can already do

[Shuri 10:22]  
Yep  
I’ll have to update all of the control programming  
It’ll need to do more of the heavy lifting when it comes to steering because human reflexes have their limitations

[Bucky 10:23]  
So that should keep you occupied until the afternoon

[Shuri 10:23]  
Ha  
I’m good but not quite that fast at programming  
Also  
Are you dodging again?

[Bucky 10:24]  
Not intentionally, just got sidetracked. I’m doing okay. Better all the time.

[Bucky 10:28]  
I think I’m ready to leave here, soon anyway

[Shuri 10:28]  
If you’re sure, then that’s good

[Bucky 10:29]  
It is good

[Shuri 10:29]  
So what will you do after?  
Come back home?

[Bucky 10:30]  
I’m not sure  
I love the farm, but Steve is there and I don’t know  
I know he likes it there too  
I still think it might be better for us if I just disappeared  
Took off somewhere remote

[Bucky 10:39]  
I’m surprised you’re not protesting

[Shuri 10:39]  
Oh I don’t agree with that  
I just don’t have to be the one giving you the talk

[Bucky 10:40]  
How come?

[Shuri 10:42]  
Heads up, you have a visitor

[Bucky 10:42]  
Who?

[Bucky 10:45]  
Never mind, I see her  
Talk to you later

 

* * *

 

It’s harder to settle back into the quiet life at the farm after Steve has returned from the mission. Recovering from his injuries doesn’t take long, but the heightened awareness lingers around him several days more. It is good to be back, but the knowledge that he wants both, wants the quiet life at home and his work as an Avenger, keeps solidifying day by day, and he knows he will not long stay satisfied.

He has gone running every day after the mission, sometimes with Sam, sometimes by himself if he has needed to really push himself, and it helps a bit with keeping the restlessness at check, but it’s only a temporary relief. On this particular day they went for a run, had breakfast, and did the chores, albeit it was mostly Steve working and Sam watching. It’s nice at least that Sam can now stay at the farm rather than in the city since Steve turned another of the old outbuildings into a little guest house like he and Bucky had sometimes talked about. It allows them to spend a lot more time together without Steve having to arrange someone to come and take care of the farm. Their lunch was light, at least by Steve’s standards, nothing that needed to be heated up. Now Sam is reading in the shade while they wait for the hottest part of the day to pass, and Steve is in his studio, painting and considering his options.

If he goes back to work, it means he’ll have to spend a significant amount of time in New York, even taking into account working remotely more than he so far has, and that in turn means he’ll need to figure out how to manage the farm. The first, obvious thing related to it is he’ll need to know Bucky’s opinion, because it’s both their home, and he resolves to ask Shuri to relay a message as soon as he talks to her the next time.

Sandy, who so far has slept quietly on the cushion in her sunny corner, makes an inquisitive sound that means she’s seen something interesting. Steve turns toward her, but his eyes snap to the doorway instead, because he suddenly realizes the two of them aren’t alone anymore.

“Hey, Sandy,” Bucky says, crouching low and holding out his right hand for her to smell.

She takes a curious sniff before butting her head against Bucky’s hand and starting to purr, demanding head-scratches that Bucky carefully gives her. Steve is completely stunned where he stands, staring at the sight in front of him, and when his brain finally decides to start coming back online he realizes the reason Sandy immediately trusts Bucky must be that his scent is familiar to her. Even when he’s stayed away, Bucky’s scent still lingers in their house. Steve sometimes catches it when opening a blanket that’s been folded since before his return, or among their shared clothes, and her sense of smell is much more keen than his.

Sandy is clearly comfortable with Bucky, but Steve doesn’t know how to react. He almost can’t believe his own eyes, can’t believe Bucky is suddenly there with no warning, no expectation. He looks better too, not that he was looking terrible before he left, but there is a quality of peace now in his eyes that Steve can’t miss, that makes it obvious Bucky has found some relief while he was away. It’s another proof that he did better without Steve than with, a bitter truth that can’t be ignored, and there’s no words, nothing Steve can do but stare as Bucky pets at Sandy.

Bucky must somehow guess Steve’s thoughts, or perhaps Shuri has told him, because he looks up and says, “It wasn’t your fault that I was struggling. I was deceiving myself, wouldn’t admit I needed to get help to deal with what I’d been through.”

Part of Steve gets it then, that Bucky indeed hadn’t dealt with having vanished despite all the claims contrary, and that something must have pushed him over to leaving, but the rest of him can’t quite believe that’s it, because he’s been so hurt over what happened, so convinced he must have done something, that he finds it harder than he should taking Bucky at his word.

Sandy finally breaks away and trots to Steve, perhaps sensing his confusion and distress, and Bucky rises to his feet. He’s generally dusty in a way that indicates long travel, with his pack is still on his back. He could probably use a wash and a drink, a square meal at the very least. Steve covers his paints, cleans his brushes, and picks Sandy up from the floor, heading for the door. Bucky falls into step with him as they head toward the house.

“I’m glad you’re painting again,” Bucky says, glancing at Steve, who only then realizes Bucky is feeling exactly as awkward and lost as he is, from the slight flush on his cheeks and the tight grip he has on the strap of his pack.

“I’m too,” Steve says, allowing a little of the warmth that is already growing inside his chest color the words. Bucky is here with him, and no matter what happens from now on, it can’t be worse than the uncertainty that’s been plaguing him.

“I’d like you to show them to me, sometime, if you want,” Bucky continues, his voice trailing quiet at the end of it, uncertainty obvious.

“Of course I’ll show you.” Steve is thrown by the request, by the obvious interest, but he’s happy too, because it’s familiar from a long time ago, Bucky asking to see his art.

“I didn’t know if I still had the right to ask that.”

Steve actually doesn’t have a reply to that, such a blatant reference to their breakup and very obvious admission of guilt on Bucky’s part. They will need to hash out everything that happened, Steve doesn’t know why exactly Bucky is back or what he wants, and so he can’t foresee how it might affect his own plans.

They see Natasha and Sam coming from the direction of the guest house then, carrying their things.

“We’re going to stay in the city for a bit,” Sam says to Steve and hugs him. “Call us if you need anything.”

Sam moves to Bucky then, saying something that Steve doesn’t catch, but at least their greeting is amicable enough, if a bit stiff. Steve is distracted from looking at them by Natasha who comes to hug him as well, squeezing at him fiercely. It occurs to Steve that the errand she went on must have been to get Bucky.

“Thank you.” He presses a kiss on her hair, holding her and thanking his stars again that they’ve become such good friends.

“It’ll be okay,” she says and smiles when she pulls back, and it actually does help now, with Bucky there he can believe she actually has a good reason to say so other than just reassuring him.

“I was getting ready to leave, but I couldn’t decide where to,” Bucky says after Natasha and Sam have departed. “She turned up and gave me a few very good reasons to come back here sooner rather than later.”

“I’m glad,” Steve says, and Bucky smiles at him then, genuine if not quite as happy as Steve has seen him on the best of days.

It is a bit awkward at first when they are finally alone. Bucky washes and makes a quick round to see the goats while Steve puts together a meal. They eat, and the sense of familiarity wraps tighter around Steve, they’ve sat together for so many times before that he can’t help but feel the pull of comfortable domesticity, of relaxing into it. It’s different too, with the questions and uncertainty between them. Steve sometimes catches himself looking at Bucky in a way that must be horribly sappy and perhaps uncalled for considering their broken engagement, but he can’t help it, because it hasn’t been nearly long enough for him to stop loving Bucky, or even being able to hide it. It’s a consolation that Bucky seems to be having a similar problem, and while Steve is still reluctant to feel too hopeful, it is encouraging that he keeps catching Bucky looking at him as well.

As the evening falls they move to the couch, both in their own corners, Sandy curled up in the middle. They haven’t agreed on it, but Steve knows this is the serious talk they will need to have, or at the very least the first of them. They’re quiet for a long while, neither of them seeming to know how to start, and the silence grows into a more tangible thing between them until Steve starts to fear they won’t manage to break it.

It’s this fear that makes him blurt out what he’s really been wanting to say for a long time now. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize how difficult things were for you. I should have been here and helped.”

Bucky looks almost aghast at the words. “No Steve, you don’t have to apologize. _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry for hiding from you how I was struggling, because it meant we weren’t prepared for it to get worse. I know it hurt you when I left like that, and it never should have come to it.”

It feels like an absolution, more complete than any a priest has ever given him, as if the load is suddenly lifted, and Steve is left reeling with it. “I just, I still don’t understand. Why’d you leave the ring behind then?”

“Okay, that I can tell you. Or, I guess I can tell you how my thought process went, I don’t know if it will make sense to you. I’ve been told it was stupid of me,” Bucky says and glances up to Steve, flashing a self-deprecating smile at him. At Steve’s nod he says, “You see, I think I said yes for the wrong reasons, back then.” Steve’s stomach flashes with cold, but it’s only momentary, because Bucky continues, “It’s not that I didn’t love you, because I did, and I still do. But I was afraid of being lost again, afraid of disappearing, and you offered permanence to me and I grabbed at it with both hands without considering if I was really ready.”

Bucky falls silent, and Steve realizes he too has a confession to make, something he’s properly understanding only now. “I guess it was a bit similar for both of us,” he says. “Maybe part of the reason I asked you just then was because I was afraid of losing you again. But I’m not regretting it.”

“I know, and I’m not regretting saying yes either. I regret not making sure afterward that I could handle it all. And I left the ring because I realized that I might always have nights like that, I couldn’t promise you that things would be okay, and that we wouldn’t be parted again.”

Bucky looks down to his hands clasped tightly together on his lap, and Steve has to move then, has to do something to reassure him, and he shifts closer and reaches out to place his hand over Bucky’s, and holds on. It’s the first time they’ve touched since Steve left Wakanda the last time, and even such a simple contact is almost overwhelming.

“Maybe I haven’t been as clear as I should have been,” Steve says, choosing his words carefully, because this is something Bucky needs to understand, whether they will have another chance might hinge on it. “I don’t need you to be the same as you used to be, I want you just as you are with all the baggage that you carry. I know that anything could happen, but trust me, whatever it might be, even if this were to end one day, I still want to be with you now, because every day until that will have been worth it.”

Bucky turns his hand, interlacing their fingers, and he finally looks up to Steve. “I think I forgot that. Or maybe not forgot, but worried myself into not believing it. Because it was like that for me before the war, and during it too. Even when every cold winter or hot and dusty summer was a risk to your life, or when we were scared shitless during the war, I was still always grateful to be close to you. I never thought of giving up on our friendship despite risk of it all ending. I needed to be reminded of that. I might need to work to fully believe it again, but I’m willing to do it.”

“I’ll help with it, I’ll be with you to remind if you need it,” Steve says, finally allowing the joy to well over inside his chest. They’re still only holding hands, no other contact between them, but it’s enough for now. “We have time,” he adds.

“I know. And you’re going back to work, aren’t you?” Bucky asks, and Steve falters. It is his plan, yes, but he worries again if it might put what they’re trying to regain in jeopardy. Bucky speaks before he can decide which part of it he wants to tackle first. “I’m not going to ask you not to go. I know how important it is to you, and I’ve always known what I signed up with. I worry sometimes that you’re overworking yourself, but I want you to do what you need to.”

Steve lets out a laughter that’s mostly relief, a little wet at the edges even. “I’m working on that, though. I want to go back, but I want to spend more time here too. I want to be with you, and to paint, and I think I can rearrange my job so that it’ll allow me to do so. I’ll still need to be in New York sometimes, but I’ll look into working remotely from here as much as I can.”

“Good. I’m happy for you.” Bucky leans forward, enough that he can rest his forehead on Steve’s shoulder, and Steve tips his head to lean on him in turn. They stay there for a while, with Sandy purring up a storm still wedged between them.

They talk a lot more that night. Bucky tells Steve that he was up in the Jabari mountains, and of the help he got there, and Steve gives him all the news about the farm, including the fact that his favorite goat now exclusively answers to the name Jim Grant. They go to bed past midnight, lying down next to each other, holding hands but not touching otherwise. Steve thinks he doesn’t want to fall asleep, because he wants to keep looking at Bucky, but he’s so happy and relaxed that he drifts away almost immediately.

 

* * *

 

Bucky slips out of the bed early next morning, carefully moving away so as to not wake Steve up. It’s overwhelming to be together again, especially since Steve’s reception of him was above and beyond anything he’d dared to expect or even hope for. It’ll take time to repair the cracks between them, but Bucky now believes they can. He’s grateful for Shuri to have talked common sense to him during the time he spent away, and for Natasha coming to find him, even though he at first had been apprehensive when he saw her coming up the mountain path. She’d managed to convince him that he really should come to see Steve, she had known exactly the strings to pull, poking at his guilt by suggesting he owed at least an explanation to Steve. It had been the truth, but in return he’d received more than he’d bargained for in the best possible way.

Things are better than he expected, but it’s still overwhelming, and while he’s loathe to leave Steve alone, he needs a few moments to regroup. He doesn’t like the idea of Steve waking up alone and fearing, even for a moment, that Bucky is gone, but he solves the problem by scribbling a note and laying it on his pillow, then he pets Sandy who curls up closer to Steve, and heads outside.

It’s a gorgeous morning, the sunrise coloring the sky in bright orange, the same hues reflecting warmly on the walls of the buildings and the bare ground. Undoubtedly it’ll be another scorcher, they’re right in the middle of the driest and hottest season, and it’ll be weeks before they can hope for it to properly rain.

Bucky goes to the goats first, fills their water container and puts out their feed. There are two new kids that were born while he was away that he’s eager to meet. They’re tiny, but all the faster and more agile for it, jumping and climbing over their slightly more sedated adult companions. Jim Grant, who indeed now only answers to that name, comes and demands petting, and Bucky indulges him for a while until he becomes more interested in the food.

He walks around the farm next, taking in all the evidence of Steve having kept busy. They’d made a lot of plans for the farm, but Steve had spent a lot of time away and Bucky had ended up focusing more on his reading, so what he’d added had all been of the more necessary sort. Now one of the outbuildings has been converted into the small and airy guest house they’d been talking about, and Steve’s studio is completely finished. Bucky heads there, but he pauses at the threshold, not wanting to go in without Steve.

There’s plenty to see regardless, there are several paintings leaning to the walls and on easels, many different sizes, both finished and not. Bucky is very familiar with Steve’s sketches, depicting people and places and things he’s seen, bringing life to them with the expressive line work. The paintings are completely different, they’re bold in color, and tend toward abstract rather than visible reality, and while it doesn’t exactly surprise Bucky, it’s definitely new. He still sees Steve in the paintings, and he is delighted that Steve has finally managed to take the time to get into it and stretching his artistic skills.

The paintings are revealing, to him at least, because they tell a story of who Steve is now. There’s a lot that’s familiar, the colors in some of them bring memories he knows he shares with Steve, but others are more of a mystery, speaking of life he hasn’t been a part of and doesn’t know as well as he suddenly wants to.

Bucky lingers at the studio door long enough that Steve has time to find him there. Bucky sees from the corner of his eye Steve coming out of the house, but stays where he is rather than going to him. Steve, same as Bucky, is dressed in what’s basically their uniform here when there’s nothing specific to do or nowhere they need to go; shorts and a tank top. His hair is a rumpled mess but the beard that Bucky feels a bit guilty of liking since it only appears when Steve is stressed looks just right. He walks with the usual easy grace even when he’s barely awake, yawning when he’s crossed halfway of the distance. He probably didn’t sleep all that well last night unlike Bucky did, which is a common occurrence for them on the first night together after spending time apart. Steve usually falls asleep fairly rapidly, but is very restless for most of the night, only falling into deeper slumber during the morning hours, and while Bucky initially tends to take more time, when he does fall asleep he’s out. It usually evens out as days pass, and if they keep sleeping next to each other in only a couple of days they’ll both be sleeping well enough.

Bucky’s feeling much more hopeful now that they indeed will stick together than he did just a day before. It’s still overwhelming to be in Steve’s presence, but it’s not exactly a new thing. Bucky remembers that Steve always was like that, larger than life even as a child, and it was just a matter of getting used to it. Bucky knows how to do so.

“Sorry I left you sleeping,” he says, still feeling guilty about it, but soothed by Steve’s smile.

“Don’t worry, I know how it gets. I wasn’t really surprised to wake up alone, nor did I think you’d left. I did appreciate the message though.” There’s a flash of residual ache in Steve’s eyes when he says he knows Bucky hadn’t left, and it’s not a tell of a lie, but a memory. Even if Steve had known Bucky hadn’t gone far, the reminder that he did still lingers.

The evidence of how much Steve missed him has been mounting ever since Bucky returned, and now it reaches a fever pitch, combined with how much he missed Steve as well, and the final hesitations that have kept just a little bit of distance between the two of them finally melt away. They’ve held hands, they’ve leaned on each other, but now Bucky takes a step forward, Steve likewise, and the hug that results is almost violent in its desperation. Bucky doesn’t hold back his strength like he does most of the time, he knows Steve can take it even when it’s not necessarily comfortable. This time he holds on as tight as he can, and Steve does likewise.

They relax a bit after a few minutes, even with the super serum the prolonged tension isn’t easy to hold up, but they stay in each other’s embrace. Bucky relishes in the closeness that he now can admit to himself he has craved. It’s good to have Steve with him, and even more so because it no longer feels like holding on to Steve is some kind of a lifeline. He’s no longer afraid of slipping away, which means he can just enjoy being together for the sake of it.

Steve lets out a shaky breath against his neck, an obvious tell he’s not that far from tears, and it rends at Bucky’s heart, because he knows he could have made different choices to prevent this. He can’t get too far down the spiral of blaming himself, because Steve squeezes him a bit, and when he speaks Bucky can hear he’s smiling again.

“I’m glad you’re here, and that you’re clearly doing so much better.”

That makes Bucky almost choke up in turn. “I really wish I’d done it differently, though.”

“Hey, now,” Steve pulls back far enough to look at him, gently laying his hand on Bucky’s cheek. There’s a bit of red in his eyes, but he does look truly happy. “I get that, I do, because I feel much the same. But it won’t really help us, so maybe we should take the advice a lot of people have been giving me recently; that instead of dwelling in past mistakes, we should look forward and focus on what we can do right from now on.”

“That’s definitely some advice to look into,” Bucky says and leans back in, hooking his chin over Steve’s shoulder. He’d love to stay like this for hours, but for the sake of practicality they’ll have to separate soon, not the least because he, and probably Steve too, is getting hungry. From the corner of his eye Bucky sees Steve’s paintings again. “I like the colors you’ve used. I remember a lot of your work, but these look new, like you’ve found something inside you.”

“I did,” Steve says. “Or maybe I’m still finding it. It’s a work in progress.”

“Aren’t we all,” Bucky says, making Steve laugh silently until he completely cracks up when Bucky’s stomach announces he’s hungry.

“Come on, let’s get breakfast.” Steve pulls away but catches Bucky’s hand as he turns to go, pulling him along. Not that he has to work on it, because right now Bucky wants nothing more than to stay within a touching distance from Steve.

They make a huge breakfast spread, determined to enjoy it since there’s nowhere for them to be that day. Sandy scarfs down her own meal and flops down to sleep across Steve’s lap, flicking her ears at Bucky when he gently pets her.

“I never would have guessed you’d become a cat person,” Bucky says.

“Neither would I, but here we are. And you’re about to become a cat person as well, she has already staked her claim on you.”

“Doesn’t seem like a hardship.” Bucky grins at how fondly Steve looks at the small creature on his lap. “It’s funny, I thought of it earlier when looking at your paintings, that I know you so well and yet there clearly is stuff that’s new.”

Steve breathes out a laughter, and glances up at Bucky. “Similar thing happened to me as well, earlier, when I was looking at your books and things. But it’s okay, there might be stuff about each other we don’t know, but it’s still us, you know?”

“Yeah, always has been.”

It’s maybe the most fundamental truth about them, one that Bucky noticed a long time before, that no matter how much they change over time and due to their experiences, there’s also something that always stays the same. About them individually, and about their relationship, of what they mean to each other. Bucky didn’t have enough faith in it, and it made him leave, but he sees now that it’s still there, still as strong as ever. He now believes nothing can break the bond that ties them together.

After the breakfast they do the chores, because no matter how lazy they’re inclined to be, the goats still need attention. After that they go to the studio for a while, and Bucky is delighted to listen to the stories of Steve’s trials and errors as well as the successes.

He’s looking at one of the larger paintings, done in the impossible myriad of sunset colors they sometimes see here in Wakanda, when Steve suddenly asks, “Have you been thinking of formally studying something?”

It catches Bucky by surprise, because while he has entertained the notion, he never yet managed to convince himself to actually start properly looking into it or mention it to Steve. “Why do you ask?”

“I just noticed you had a lot of books on physics and engineering and such, and I remember you wanted to continue going to school, only the recession meant you needed to work instead. You definitely could do it now.”

“I might do it, I suppose, especially since I’m not drowning so much anymore.”

“That’s great,” Steve says, his grin lighting up. “I was thinking, if you want we could make a workspace for you here as well. We don’t really have room in the house, and besides, I think it would be nice to just work together even if it’s not on the same thing.”

Bucky smiles now as well. “It would. And I notice you left all that empty space to the side there. Were you planning this?”

Steve flushes, and looks down. “I guess, not consciously. It just happened, and then I got the thought and found myself hoping, even when I wasn’t sure if you’d want to.”

Bucky has to go and hug Steve again then. He suspects it’s an urge that’ll reappear often over the coming days, but as long as Steve is just as happy as he is to be wrapped up in each other Bucky doesn’t mind it a bit.

It turns into a different kind of a hug compared to any of the previous ones that day, because Steve cradles Bucky’s head, shaking loose the bun that’s holding the long strands away from his face. It’s a very deliberate act, because Steve knows what it does to Bucky to have Steve play with his hair. For some reason it has become a thing for him, always making him feel desired and worthy of care. They’ve talked of it before, and now Steve is taking another step, asking Bucky if he wants to reclaim yet another part of their relationship, and he only has one answer to it.

Bucky grabs a hold of Steve’s head and kisses him, more roughly than he tentatively imagined their first kiss after everything when he started to believe they’d get back to this, but Steve’s fingers curl in his hair, stinging just a bit and it’s okay, it’s better than so. Steve kisses back just as fervently, pressing right into Bucky’s body as if he can’t get close enough. Heat is already curling inside Bucky’s stomach, he’s halfway hard and getting there fast, and as he presses against Steve it’s obvious it’s the same for both of them. Now that they’ve let go of inhibitions, Bucky just wants Steve, wants all of him in any way possible, sooner rather than later, and he grabs at Steve’s top intending to pull it off of him.

Steve pulls away from the kiss, and Bucky pauses, mesmerized by the look of him, pupils wide and lips red, color high on his cheeks. He has to make an effort to focus when Steve speaks.

“Wait, let’s go back to the house.”

“Why, you don’t want to christen the studio floor?” Bucky asks and grins at the way Steve shivers at the suggestion.

“I mean, definitely yes, but right now I want our bed.”

It pauses Bucky’s most fervent desire. It doesn’t lessen it, because right now nothing but Steve could, but it gives him enough to realize that indeed it’s the right thing for them now, that this first time after the crisis belongs in their bed, to add to the good memories and the meaning of it.

This time he is the one who grabs Steve’s hand and drags him out of the studio, Steve’s laughter trailing after him. He’s not at all ashamed of being eager, especially since Steve actually overtakes him and is first through the door, pulling the tank top over his head as soon as he’s inside. Bucky follows the example, stepping out of his shoes and pulling his shirt off, and by the time they’ve made the very short distance to the bed they’re both naked.

The immediate rush to get off was quelled a bit in Bucky when they moved, and now he’s clear-headed enough to make at least a bit of a plan, the core of which is to make Steve feel good, and with that in mind he pushes Steve on his back in the middle of the bed, and Steve laughs and lets him do so easily enough, probably mostly because Bucky follows him into another kiss, settling half on top of him.

Now the kiss is more gentle but no less heated, with Steve’s hands moving restlessly over Bucky’s sides and back, and Bucky touching everywhere he can reach even if it’s awkward with Steve under him and having to hold himself up for it. The feeling of closeness goes into his head after a long time of keeping a distance to people, and Bucky almost doesn’t know if he should press up into the roaming hands on melt down into the heat of Steve’s body. He ends up trying to do both, which only makes the friction between them more heated, and puts some heavenly pressure on his cock.

It works on Steve too, he grabs a hold of Bucky’s hips, and moves more deliberately against him, grinding them together. His head falls back against the pillows in pleasure, breaking the kiss, and Bucky presses his lips against Steve’s throat instead, kissing and sucking, licking the salt off his skin and listening to the huffs and moans Steve lets out.

It’s wonderful like this, and it wouldn’t be the first or even the tenth time they came from just rutting against each other if they continued as they are, but Bucky wants something else right now. He pushes up to his knees to get a bit of air between them to be able to think, and Steve whines at the loss of contact, a completely unintended sound that Bucky can’t help but grin at. The whine turns into a groan when Bucky bends down and sucks at one of Steve’s nipples, and Steve relaxes again in the bed after making a move to pull Bucky back down.

Bucky always relishes moments like this when he catches Steve at just the right kind of mood; perfectly pliant as long as Bucky keeps making him feel good. It’s a change to the general assertiveness and activity of Steve, and Bucky loves it, although he’s definitely not complaining when it goes the other way around and Steve manhandles him in bed and very determinedly has his way with him.

For now Bucky concentrates on keeping Steve right where he is, flooded with pleasure. Steve arches to his touch when he moves to the other nipple sucking and then biting, soothing it afterward with his tongue, then kissing down the line of ribs where Steve for some reason is particularly sensitive. He pauses almost without thinking at one particular spot near Steve’s right side. The skin is perfectly even, the serum has erased all the old marks, but Bucky remembers the bullet hole there, the biggest scare he got during the war regarding Steve’s survival. Now it’s just a memory, same as many other wounds, including those Bucky gave Steve on the helicarrier. The only scar Steve has right now is a faint white line on his arm, a memory from battling Thanos, but even that will in time fade away.

As Bucky’s mapping Steve’s skin with his lips, Steve reaches out and grabs the lube from its shelf. Bucky takes it from him and moves down, lightly biting at Steve’s hip to get his attention.

“How do you want this?” he asks, raising his head to look at Steve, who’s delightfully flushed.

“I don’t care, just get on with it,” Steve says, and barely manages to finish the sentence, because Bucky does get on, taking the tip of Steve’s fully hard cock in his mouth and lightly sucking at it.

Steve moans and shifts his legs apart to give him better access, and Bucky considers for about half a second before deciding he knows exactly what he wants, and he wants it right now, which works with how Steve has let him take charge of things. He keeps lazily licking and sucking at Steve’s cock, varying the pressure and intensity, not really trying to get him off but to keep him high, while he lubes his fingers and pushes first one, then another inside himself. It takes a bit of adjustment, it’s been a while since he did this, but in no time at all he figures out again how to relax himself, and then it’s easy, he’s ready to go in just a few moments. He adds some lube on his palm before snapping the cap closed and tossing the tube away.

He pulls away from Steve’s cock, and coats it with lube making sure every bit of it is covered while holding Steve’s hip down with his metal hand. Steve is breathing hard, but he manages to open his eyes when Bucky moves over him. Steve smiles at him, looking at him as if he’s the best thing he’s ever seen as Bucky slowly takes him in, moving down gradually as he adjusts to Steve’s girth. It’s overwhelming physically and mentally; being filled and being looked at in the way he hasn’t quite learned to handle. Bucky still doesn’t know how he keeps being so lucky to be able to be here with Steve, to be doing this, to have him looking like there’s nothing better, but it happens, and to Bucky there really is nothing better. He swears to himself that no matter how noble it would seem, he’ll never again try to give this up.

He bends down to kiss Steve as he starts moving his hips. The kiss doesn’t last that long, they’re mostly breathing too hard focus on it, but they find the rhythm of movement that works for them as if there was no time in between. Steve’s hands are at Bucky’s hips, fingers squeezing him tight enough to maybe even bruise, and Bucky rises to sit up again to have a bigger range of motion, intending to bring Steve off. He squeezes his muscles around Steve’s cock, upping the pace along with him. Steve is near the edge, and while Bucky is hazily aware of the throbbing of his own cock he pushes it back for now and keeps moving, looking at Steve and taking in every last bit of his pleasure. Steve is very nearly overcome, but he fights to keep his eyes open, looking at Bucky even as he comes, the blue of his irises disappearing into black.

Bucky keeps moving until Steve’s tremors end and he falls back in the bed spent and relaxed, still looking at Bucky who can only sit there and stare back, his own cock painfully hard and untouched. These moments of perfect happiness are precious, and Bucky wants to brand this in his memory so that nothing can take it away.

He keeps looking for so long that Steve recovers enough to move, and Bucky only gets a momentary warning with the determination of Steve’s expression before he’s on his back on the bed, with Steve pushing his thighs open. Bucky shouts when Steve rubs his bearded cheek against the thin skin of his inner thigh and then up the underside of his cock. Bucky’s trembling under Steve’s hands, and lets out a sound that’s nearly a sob of relief when Steve takes his cock into mouth, swallowing down as much as he can.

There’s no teasing now, Steve works with a single minded purpose to get Bucky off, and Bucky lets go of his resistance and just feels Steve’s warm mouth around him. He falls apart soon enough, coming in Steve’s mouth as Steve sucks him through the aftershocks that seem to last and last until he almost blacks out.

He’s halfway aware of Steve gathering him into his arms, and snuggles closer in. He probably falls asleep for a bit, and Steve must too, because he’s fully relaxed, albeit still holding on, when Bucky opens his eyes again. He moves to look at the time, and Steve wakes up as well, smiling up at him but not letting go.

“I’m just really happy you’re here with me,” Steve says. “Nothing more I need.”

Some other time Bucky might contest the declaration, but he decides to just listen, to take it as Steve means it, because it’s part of making things better as well; allowing the good things happen.

“I’m happy too.”

 

* * *

 

The last couple of weeks since Bucky came back home have felt almost like a honeymoon. They’ve largely been left alone, and they’ve only done the necessary chores and even those mostly together. They’ve had more serious talks than people probably tend to do on a honeymoon, but most of the time has just been spent soaking in happiness and each other.

Steve is very conscious that even though everything is now fine and that they have crossed the serious hurdles and have a plan on how to move forward and make sure they’re not going to repeat the mistakes from the past, it’s not a guarantee that everything will remain that way for all eternity. He is hopeful, however, that with this experience and the lessons learned they will be better equipped to deal with such times.

It’s been a necessary reprieve for them after everything that happened. They’re solid now even though it hasn’t been that long since Bucky came back. Once they had talked everything through they both understood where the problems had come from, and none of the reasons were such that would massively alter their relationship. Except for better, since they are very conscious that one of the main issues for them has been gaps in communication, and they are now working on that. Hence Steve is very comfortable again with trusting his heart to Bucky, and since the time is nearing for him to get back to work, even if not in as intense capacity as he used to, it’s a very good thing indeed.

Steve leans his hip to the counter in their kitchen nook as he waits for the coffee to brew. Unsurprisingly his eyes land on Bucky who’s sort of awake but still in bed, laying there diagonally with his face half buried in a pillow. Steve sees the gleam of his only visible eye between eyelids, so he’s probably at least trying to wake up. Steve smiles at him, happy to see that he’s comfortable enough to not feel like he has to be alert all the time when he’s awake. Bucky used to be slow to wake up back when they lived in Brooklyn. The war had taken that particular trait away from him, and Steve is glad to see it finally returning, not the least because Bucky is frankly adorable like this when he’s barely awake.

Bucky unsurprisingly seems to know exactly what he’s thinking, because he flips Steve of, casually enough that Steve has to stifle his giggles that were about to be very embarrassing.

When he first came back to find Bucky gone a cold dread stole into his chest, and it only let go after Bucky came back and they really talked about what had happened and what it all had meant. Now there’s a perpetual warmth glowing inside him instead, and while he knows he’ll get used to it in time, for now he relishes in the happiness.

The coffee is done, and Steve pours it out into two large mugs to take back to bed. When he turns he hesitates, long enough that Bucky actually opens his eyes and even raises his head, but he doesn’t manage to voice the question in his eyes before Steve has made the decision, or perhaps has acknowledged the decision he already made sometime earlier during the last couple of weeks.

He goes to the bookshelf where his and Bucky’s rings have waited ever since he put them there, and picks them up. By now Bucky has sat up in the middle of the bed, his eyes huge as he stares at Steve, his braid half unraveled the way it usually is in the morning. Steve sits down and offers one of the mugs to Bucky, who stares at it for a few seconds before snorting and shaking his head.

“Whatever you’re about to say, I suspect it will be something I don’t want to hear while having a drink in hand, and I got a big enough shot of adrenaline just now to be fully awake, thanks,” Bucky says, which all in all is a fair point.

Steve puts the mugs on the shelf above the bed, and moves closer to Bucky, mirroring his cross-legged position. He shows the rings resting on his palm.

“Steve, are you sure?” Bucky ask, still hesitant the way he has been occasionally since returning, whenever his guilt tries to surface.

“I’m sure, more than I was the last time. We’ve talked about things, we have more clarity about each other, and I still love you more than I can express.”

“That’s quite a lot, since you’re pretty good at expressing it,” Bucky says waggling his eyebrows, and Steve laughs half in relief, because since Bucky managed to make a leap into joking about it he must have managed to push the guilt down again. Bucky picks up Steve’s ring from his palm, and looks directly in his eyes. “Steve Rogers, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

They’ve done this before, but it still surprises Steve that he’s suddenly emotional, that he has to swallow before managing a yes. Bucky slides the ring back into his finger, and it feels like the final piece of him is returned. He repays the favor, and grins at Bucky through the unshed tears. Bucky seems to be rather misty-eyed too, and Steve pulls him into a kiss, slow and tender and sweet, and from which they only part when they have to breathe. Bucky blinks at him, so happy that he’s radiant with it, perhaps more beautiful than Steve has ever seen him.

“I kind of do want my coffee, though,” Bucky says, and Steve pulls him into a hug, laughing into the crook of his neck.

They do manage to drink their coffees before they get cold, and afterward it’s time to get up for their morning chores. It’s an utterly normal day, except for why it isn’t, and Steve is happy for every minute of it, because it’s exactly what he signed up for.

 

* * *

 

[Bucky 14:27]  
Will you help me plan a wedding?

[Shuri 14:27]  
!!!!  
YES  
Did you set the date finally?

[Bucky 14:28]  
We did, it’s in a couple of months  
We don’t want anything too grandiose, and we could manage even with Steve working, considering he’s home a lot more than he used to be, but I know you’re feeling deprived by both your brother and Okoye dragging their feet

[Shuri 14:28]  
I am!  
I’m glad you sorted out your stuff finally

[Bucky 14:29]  
Me too  
Thanks for your help  
With this and also before  
We can talk more tomorrow when I come for my arm appointment  
And I see you already changed it in the calendar to arm and wedding prep

[Shuri 14:30]  
Of course I did  
Have a look at the link I sent you

[Bucky 14:34]  
I really shouldn’t be surprised you already have a project folder  
How many bookmarks on flowers are there anyway?

[Shuri 14:34]  
I’m very efficient, you really should know by now  
And those are for Steve, he can do the artistic stuff with me  
Go look at the food instead, that’s more your speed than his

[Bucky 14:35]  
I know  
He really cares too little about what he eats as long as there are calories  
I’m working on it but it’s slow going  
I’ll have a look, and add some stuff too  
See you tomorrow

[Shuri 14:35]  
<3

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed our work!
> 
> You can also find us on tumblr ([Madara_Nycteris](https://madara-nycteris.tumblr.com/), [stellahibernis](https://stellahibernis.tumblr.com/)) or dreamwidth ([stellahibernis](https://stellahibernis.dreamwidth.org/)).


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